Earning submission

By | February 6, 2014

That’s right, I said earning submission. Like driving having someone give you their submission is not a right, it is something earned and worked for.

After the Munch there is a meeting back at the local club, it is actually done in two parts.

 The first both Dom’s and subs together and the topic is usually one of general interest pertaining to the lifestyle. The second half, Dom’s meet together in one part of the room and the sub’s go off to another part.

 The general meeting was a interesting conversation about the evolution of ones relationship in the lifestyle. Sir R. ran the meeting along with his sub of whom he has been married to now for 7 years.

 He brought up an interesting point, where are you in your relationship? Look at where you are now as to where you are from where you first started. Then look ahead and see where you want to be.

 He brought up a point that I made in an earlier post…re-negotiate! Look at the rules and protocols in your relationship see if they are still pertinent. Some may be some may not.

 Things that were off the table at one time may not be now. Re-negotiate.

Your relationship is fluid he said, it is not like stagnant water, it flows and ebbs.
It felt good to hear him echoing what I had previously written about.

 Sir R. and his sub told everyone that they are now at a point in their relationship where they renegotiate every two years. He spoke on about this for a while and how the D/s relationship evolves and how there is an openness and honesty that doesn’t exist in most vanilla relationships.

 It was then that someone new to the group asked a question about how do you get to that point of openness and sharing.

 Sir R. responded by saying trust, you have to earn their trust. Not only that but as a Dom you have to be ready to do what it takes to earn that trust. When you take up with a submissive you are getting into their mind, you are delving deeper into their head then anyone has ever done before.

 He then asked as a group, are you ready for that? Are you ready to uncover those embers that have lain hidden for years that can burst into an open flame after being uncovered by a trigger? Are you ready to be there and hold her for four hours while they cry uncontrollably?

 Again the new person in the group, asked but how do you get there?

 The answer is simple, honesty! Be honest with a sub, they will know when you haven’t been honest with them. Worse then that is omitting the truth, they will then fill in the blanks themselves and you will be back to square one.

It was then I spoke up and added consistency.  Sir R. pointed at me and gave a resounding Yes!

 You have to be consistent with a sub, it may well be in their past they didn’t have that, people came and went in their lives, they couldn’t count on someone. Now along comes this person who says they are a Dom and they begin to build hope that they have found someone.

 To build up the trust in them so they can begin to submit it takes time and effort, the consistency to show them that they matter to you. As you show them the consistency, along with respect, and truth they can begin opening up to you.

 It isn’t easy, it takes a lot of work and a great deal of effort, but in the end what you receive from a sub when they open up to you fully is more then worth the effort.

Just because you are a Dom doesn’t mean that a sub will fall at your feet because you request it or you tell them to. Show them you are a man of your word, be patient, be willing to put in the time and effort it takes to earn their submission.

Most of all show them that you can earn their respect and submission through honesty, truth, and consistency.

33 thoughts on “Earning submission

  1. LittleBoPeep12

    Excellent. The transparency and honesty are hard at first, but Sir and are much less hesitant than we used to be, because each time we are honest and direct it builds the trust bond between us. Thank you Sir for a great post, it sounds like your community is a vibrant one!

    Reply
  2. Kayla Lords

    Knowing you were Dominant when we met, even though I had no expectation of more than friendship, I consciously and subconsciously watched for all these traits. For me, had I not seen honesty and consistency from you, I would have known to get away as quickly as possible. So we started in that place. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for people in already established relationships to unlearn old ways in order to make D/s successful.

    Reply
    1. LittleBoPeep

      Kayla, for us it was realizing the D/s had been there since the start. Yes, I was his submissive at 18 and he my Dom at 23. We got distracted and off our true paths, inconsistencies, betrayals, but returning to our true selves was like clearing the air. We both breathe easily now. For those couples whose partners have not shown Dominance or submission previously I would imagine the shift being much harder. Good point.

      Reply
    2. southerns Post author

      It has to be hard true, but not impossible, the seeds of D/s certainly must be present in each person for the transition to work.

      Reply
      1. Mynx

        If I may chime in here…. Our seeds of D/s lay dormant for the first near 19 years of our marriage, not because we didn’t want this, but because we were not educated on the lifestyle, and didn’t see the signs in our own life together. Once we made the connection to the lifestyle, we learned valuable relationship lessons of , open communication, honesty, and trust that our vanilla relationship rarely got to see.

        So in response to Kayla’s comment…. Yes 19 years of old habits and vanilla thinking are indeed hard to break! But the road of our journey into this lifestyle is work every ounce of blood, sweat, and tears! I dare say that Sir knows me inside and out better now than he has ever has, and I’m liking it!!!!!!!! ;D
        Hugs Mynx

        Reply
          1. Mynx

            Your soooo bad Peep, and yes he does, but does equally well on the outside too…. Trust me!

        1. southerns Post author

          But the hint of it was there, with in you, you having submissive traits and TW having Dominant traits. Neither of you flexed those muscles early in your relationship.

          If those inherent traits were not there to begin with it would have been a bigger struggle and might not have worked.

          Reply
  3. Wldwestangel

    So insightful. Of course I will send to my sir. I’d wager his consistency with me will be our biggest hurdle here in the beginning, but it would help me with honesty.

    Reply
  4. Franco Bolli

    A great and interesting post, as alway, Sir.
    I agree on all counts and would add communication and listening in both directions.
    Franco

    Reply
  5. Christina Mandara

    I fully agree. Submission is only really and truly given, when it has been earned. Instant submission fails at several hurdles, including trust and love. I, for one, have never understood why some women wish to fall at a Dom’s feet who they have never (or only just) met. Submission, in my opinion, is a labour of time and love. Great post.

    Reply
  6. Rose

    I wonder if vanilla relationships were to adopt these guidelines and rules, if just maybe some relationships and marriages would be happier and more fulfilling, may even last longer.
    I think I have said, we don’t practice the lifestyle, But my god, the dynamic are very present. In fact, learning about the D/s relationships has helped me learn to trust Him so much more, to realize he loves me and knows what I need better than I do at times. I think it has improved our mostly vanilla marriage.
    Once again SS, great piece.
    Rose

    Reply
    1. southerns Post author

      Rose I have to agree with you. I think bad marriages and divorces might well be a lot less if vanilla’s put some of these practices into place in their relationships.

      Reply
  7. FiFIBuBu

    I agree that communication is very important. Consistency and honesty are just as important as well. But I think to ass a point about communication is that both parties have to work not on just communicating with each other but also to work on understanding what each other is communicating about. Otherwise it’s just talking to a brick wall.

    Reply
    1. southerns Post author

      Oh I agree with you 100%, it does take work by both parties. If one is not present then they are just words falling on deaf ears.
      It comes down to you get out of something what you put into it.

      Reply
  8. Betsy T

    This is one of the best posts I’ve seen on the responsibility of a Dom. It was so good that I had to retweet it!

    It’s seems a lot of Dom men think that because you are submissive that you will just drop to you knees and do whatever they say sometimes without ever having met you It’s really annoying. Like you said, being a Dom is a huge responsibility that should be reserved for a mature, sensitive and self aware man.

    Reply
    1. southerns Post author

      Betsy, thank you for your comment. It is a responsibility and one that should not be taken lightly. These fake Dom’s as I call them that demand a woman kneel down to him at the drop of a hat do more damage then good.

      Reply
  9. Phoenix

    Consistency is what makes me feel safe and protected. I don’t know that it makes sense to everyone but it’s the stability that I need and count on.

    Everything you wrote is spot on. Well done Sir.

    Reply
    1. southerns Post author

      Thank you Phoenix, with the consistency it lets you know you can count on them to be there for you when you need then.

      Reply
  10. findmyway

    Southern Sir, I have read your posts for several months and have wanted to comment – but getting out and putting myself out there is very difficult. I guess you could call me a lurker. I have been married for 20yrs to my soul mate. About 3yrs ago I shared with him my need and desire for this lifestyle. Our communication has significantly improved since we started but I don’t feel as if we are there yet. The probing questions that you speak of don’t come naturally for him so we only get so far. Any ideas? Also, I know I am submissive and would love to give up control once I leave the office. While I saw shades of dominance in the beginning of our relationship some of that was lost as we settled into married life after kids. While he is very strong I think he is questioning his dominance and how can I provide him with the confidence to take the lead?

    Reply
    1. John Brownstone Post author

      findmyway, than kyou for your comment/question. It is a very thoughtful one and one that I’m sure many other ask and wonder about as well.
      I will be answering your wustion in a post shortly so keep your eyes open for my reply. Hope you are having a wonderful weekend.

      Reply
  11. findmyway

    Southern Sir, I have read your posts for several months and have wanted to comment – but getting out and putting myself out there is very difficult. I have been married for 20yrs to my soul mate. About 3yrs ago I shared with him my need and desire for this lifestyle. Our communication has significantly improved since we started but I don’t feel as if we are there yet. The probing questions that you speak of don’t come naturally for him so we only get so far. Any ideas? Also, I know I am submissive and would love to give up control once I leave the office. While I saw shades of dominance in the beginning of our relationship some of that was lost as we settled into married life after kids. While he is very strong I think he is questioning his dominance and how can I provide him with the confidence to take the lead?

    Reply
  12. 2feathers

    that is all good and well, my biggest problem is the sex isue, I dont want my wife to have sex with any one els, she wants to but she has not done anything about it, and she says its not sex and it dont mean anything,, so haw can it not be sex ???

    Reply
    1. John Brownstone Post author

      Submission is not all about sex. For many subs it is about service., the power exchange and giving up control. For many subs it is about doing a task that their Dominant has set out for them, it can be anything from writing in a journal daily, or saying a daily affirmation/mantra.

      Reply

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