Feminism and #BDSM

By | December 30, 2013

Thoughts of writing this post have resonated with me for some time now, I have vacillated back and forth about whether to write it or not.

In my travels on the Interwebz; of which I have a tendency to do a lot, I have noticed in some venues that submissives are attacked verbally for their submission. They are badgered about how they are taking feminism backwards by wanting the things they do.

Now I am not going to jump on a soap box and and talk about feminism in and of it self and what I do say may very well make some people upset, so be it.
What I am going to talk about is how little flowers submission has effected me as a man and how I have grown as a Dominant and it has changed my outlook on women in general.

When I was young I was an asshole, plain and simple, no if, ands, or buts; especially when it came to women. I would cat call to them, whistle at them, make comment about how their body was made for fucking, etc. In general in my youth  I was a poor excuse for a man. I make no excuse for my behavior, it was rude and crude to the utmost. I am not proud of who I was but I am glad I have grown past that.

Since I have begun exploring my Dominant side and even more so since little flower and I have been together my entire attitude has changed. Now I am sure a good deal of that has to do with age and wisdom, at least I hope I have gained some wisdom and insight over the years.

I in no way shape or form coerced little flower into submitting to me. It was done purely by her own freewill over the course of the year we have been together. It was her choice, choice being the key word. If she did not feel that I have her best interests at heart, that she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would not in anyway do her any emotional or physical harm we would not be building the relationship we have today.

Do she and I have rough sex? Absolutely we do! On the other side of the coin to that we also have many tender moments. Early on in our relationship just after we had met she had confided in me that she had never been made love to. Several times now we have made the most wonderful and beautiful love together, it is not always rough and tumble play between us. It is not always spankings and floggings, and nipple clamps.

As I have grown as both a man and as a Dominant over the course of my life and especially with little flower now in my life I have learned one very important thing…respect for women!

With all that she has given me and continues to give I treat her like a true lady. I open doors for her, which she is slowly getting used to, seems no one has ever done that for her in her life. I often tell her that I love her. I hold her hand when we are out. I buy her flowers for no reason other then a beautiful lady deserves beautiful things. When we go out to eat I pull the chair out for her and seat her first. I do this not because of a need to be in control but because I am a gentleman! I do these things because I respect her.

While she enjoys cooking for me and serving me dinner I also realize that she has a full time job and is raising two very rambunctious boys. I also enjoy cooking and on several occasions now while staying with her I have cooked some meals. I also help with the house work, helping to pick up after the boys, taking care of the dishes, taking out the garbage, etc.

We do the grocery shopping together in part so I can help keep the two boys in check so she can concentrate on what she is doing and not have to constantly herd cats.

In the BDSM fantasy world erotica based on rape fantasies is fairly popular, that is where it belongs as a fantasy for erotic writing. Physical crimes against women are abhorrent! Plain and simple. Women have the right to dress as they feel and that does not imply that they are asking for it. Dress does not imply that a woman is asking to be raped. No means no and that is all there is to it!

A man who slips a roofie in a woman’s drink to take advantage of her is a flat out coward and does not even deserve to be called a man. It is disgusting and there is no punishment horrible enough fitting of such a crime.

That also includes domestic violence, a men who out of the need for power or even anger that beats a woman is disgusting. Yes, I spank little flower. Yes I use a flogger on her. Yes, I have used other implements on her like a Whartenburg wheel, paddle, rope, etc.

I have never done so without her consent!

While like in the throws of sex the word “no” is uttered and not always in the context it is meant to be used I have a safe word in place, before we play I have her say it to me. If at any time, for any reason she needs me to stop, she utters the word and I stop.

An abuser does not stop, he will keep going till there are broken bones, black eyes, or worse a broken spirit.

I have heard some Internet Dom’s in chat rooms talk about how they want to break their sub, tear them down to nothing. How they want to keep them away from family and friends so they can have total control over them. IMHO, run, run as fast as you can from people like that. They are dangerous!

Me, I build little flower up, I want her to be everything she is capable of being and more. I encourage her with her writing, I want to see her achieve her dream. Maybe it is not meant to be, but nothing ventured, nothing gained.

At her job little flower is an immovable force, the top of her game. She is recognized nationally for some of the committees she sits on. Yet with all that on the weekends when she is home she very easily becomes overwhelmed with the household tasks and chores.
Each week I have her give me a list of everything she needs to accomplish over the weekend, I then look it over and divide the tasks up over the course of Sat. and Sun. This gives her a clear idea of what needs to be done and I also work in time for her to sit and write.

Some may think that is controlling, I don’t see it that way. I am acting as a tool for her to take care of the things she needs to do and give her time to work towards her dreams.

While I am little flowers Dominant and her Daddy I also see myself as her ward. My job is to care for her submission, to nurture it, to continue her growth in it and her dreams.

What it comes down to in the end is without it being her choice neither of us could be who we are.

22 thoughts on “Feminism and #BDSM

  1. Mynx

    My Sir shares your views nearly to a T Sir! It’s never demeaning or abuse, as long as its consensual. Beside’s we submissive’s crave the Dominance. It’s like candy to a child, they crave the sweetness, and sugar. Once we have had a taste of the Dominance, the crave for more is always there, and our thirst only grows!

    My Sir is also a gentleman, opening my door, and pulling out my chair! He makes me feel cherished , and loved way beyond the days of our vanilla existence. The love, passion, and desire we share now, is unfathomable to a vanilla minded women. Great post Sir!

    Hugs, Mynx

    Reply
    1. southerns Post author

      It is very close to the same being Dominant, it is a craving that is never sated, always wanting more. I have likened it to a fine wine, savoring the not only the taste but the aroma.

      Since being with little flower I have come to realize as well how deep the connection between two people can be.

      Reply
    1. southerns Post author

      Thank you Sir,
      As I said in my post it had been rolling around in my head and wouldn’t leave me be till I started putting the words down.

      Reply
  2. Pingback: REBLOG – Feminism and BDSM #ASMSG #dec #BDSM | Princess and I

  3. Christina Mandara

    Submission isn’t taking feminism backwards, it’s actually taking it forwards, because now women have the right to decide if submission is for them. They have the right to choose the way they live their life and what path they follow is uniquely theirs. Live and let live. It would be nice if everybody could simply be a little bit more tolerant of each other, wouldn’t it? Great post 😉

    Reply
    1. Sir Marcus

      I think this is a perfect statement to an amazing blog entry. You, my good Sir, have done an outstanding job outlining your relationship with little flower. That’s exactly the way I see my role and relationship with luna. We do need to make sure to protect them, help them, nurture then. And doing that constantly just due to the fact that they offer their submission and are doing so very much for us. After all, A D/s relationship in my eyes is even more so a give and take than at least my “vanilla” relationships have been. Without luna I would not be who I am today, and she would tell you she would not be the same either. As Master and slave we always feed off of each other. But it absolutely has be 100% sure that it is a choice both dominant and submissive are choosing out of their own free will.

      You, Christina, pointed out a brilliant point that I never even thought of. That is a big step forward. After all, the whole feminism idea was supposed to free women, give them equal opportunity, which by the way is very important in my eyes, and to give women a choice. But it shouldn’t dictate the woman’s choice. So if a woman chooses to be submissive, it does not have to mean she goes against the idea of feminism.

      Reply
      1. southerns Post author

        Sir Marcus,
        Thank you for stopping by and commenting.

        Kayla and I have talked about how the whole concept of D/s is an infinite circle, as her submission feeds my Dominance, so does my Dominance feed her submission. My past vanilla relationships could never hold a candle to what our D/s bond has brought us.

        The level of communication alone is astonishing.

        I cherish what she has given me as I know it is something not done lightly. For that alone I love her so very deeply. It is wonderful how I see the difference in one another. Today while we were at lunch we were both talking about where we were a year ago and how far we have come.

        Reply
        1. Sir Marcus

          I know exactly what you are talking about. It sure is a truly amazing journey. That is exactly how I feel about my luna

          Reply
    2. southerns Post author

      Christina as always your insight is wonderful. It does come down to choice. Sadly the ones who are intolerant only see what they want to and don’t understand what really lay beneath the surface of such a relationship.

      Reply
  4. Kayla Lords

    You are an amazing Dominant and man. I would never have published my writing or considered owning my own business without your support. Yes, D/s is consensual and I believe, fully, that my submission makes me more of a feminist than I may ever have been before. I chose this lifestyle because it completes me, fulfills me, and brings out the absolute best in me. Other women are free to choose whatever type of life they want. The real question usually is, “Are they brave enough?”

    The reason I write about the “other” side of D/s is because the outside world has the erroneous belief that it’s all whips, chains, orders, and abuse. They have no idea how beautiful a D/s relationship can be. Thanks to you, my amazing Sir, I know exactly how wonderful a good D/s relationship can be, and I am the luckiest woman alive to have found you.

    Reply
    1. southerns Post author

      You have begun a journey down a road that has been your hearts desire and I don’t just mean your journey in D/s. When I first came across your blog and I began reading your words I felt the passion in them, the way you have the gift of communicating and drawing one in.

      As time goes by I see more and more how the fire ignites in you to pursue your hearts desire. As you talk about the things you want to achieve I hear the passion boiling over n your words, your eyes light up and your smile shines from deep within your soul.

      You are an amazing woman with a beautiful heart and I am grateful to have you be a part of my life.
      I am even more grateful for the gift of your submission.

      Reply
  5. Wordwytch

    As we have discussed many a time, the D/s dynamic done right is a yin/yang thing. Balanced. Respectful. Nurturing, and FUN. 🙂 A very well spoken post dear Southern Sir!

    Reply
    1. southerns Post author

      Thank you WW, it is a balanced relationship. As for the fun…well yes it can be…last night I had Kayla laughing so hard I thought she was going to bust a gut.

      Reply
  6. Vile

    Respect is something that has been lost in time. I have a huge heart for women, more so those within the lifestyle.
    I have abused , I have used treated them as nothing more than an object. Now some years older and wiser I do carry some regrets. That is why I may seem so hard on other Dominants.

    Shrugs I do not understand how someone cannot even give a fuck about who they are hurting, it really puts a pin in my side.

    Reply
    1. southerns Post author

      Sir, I agree with you that respect is something that has been lost, maybe it is about time it started coming back. With thoughtful blogs like yours it is a seed that when planted and well tended is a step in bringing those values back.

      We all have regrets in life but by being aware of them, learning form our mistakes and educating others it can hopefully avoid others from making the same mistakes.

      Reply
  7. Mynx's Sir

    I’ve said it before and it’s worth repeating- you’re a man among men for taking on such a challenging subject from the Dom’s POV. It further adds credibility to your writings that LF is so supportive of your view and your role.

    As a D/s Couple, we too share your values (and some of your kinks too) about what that relationship looks like. It isn’t threatening or dictatorial in any way. It’s loving and supporting and in your words- we truly do feed off of each other. We have amazing, loving sex as well as some kinkier moments too. Life is simple, even with all of its challenges. It’s simple, I’m my mind, because we’re no longer challenging each other about who is more correct. She trusts that I will dutifully consider each and everyone of her viewpoints with the same merit as my own, but she ‘gives’ me the gift of having responsibility for the final decision. This gift frees her mind and mine from the vanilla squabbles typically found elsewhere outside of D/s. It allows for better communications and and even better decisions to be made because time isn’t wasted justifying who’s more correct.

    Like the playroom, we have a safe word for daytime play too; ‘timeout’. To date, I have invoked all of the timeout’s because I value her opinion so much. Sometimes, I believe that sub’s may be so tuned into being submissive that they might be caught up in having think through correct wording to express themselves so as not to be perceived as bratty. If I see that I need Mynx’s help by way of her ideas or thoughts, I’ll invoke the timeout so that here too, her thoughts are more protected and valued than normal. Oh sure, we speak pretty openly all the time and clearly there’s no dictatorship is in our home ( though a good spank is never far around the corner! ) but the point is, we too love each other first, are married second, and have D/s to enhance our love, marriage and structure. Ultimately, I think it frees our kinky minds up to become just a bit kinkier- LOL!

    Great post Southern Sir! Wishing you and miss Kayla a very healthy, happy and prosperous New Year full of kinky fun!

    -Tom & Mynx

    Reply
    1. southerns Post author

      I am glad this post struck a chord with you.

      Like you I have told Kayla that she is always welcome to offer her opinion as long as it is done with respect. I will always consider what she has to say and while the final decision lay with me I value her input.

      Maybe it is a submissive thing as like your Mynx I often have to tell Kayla to talk to me and tell me what is on her mind. That being said the addition of D/s to our relationship has brought a level of communication like no other I have ever experienced.

      While our relationship is young we have not ye had a fight in the sense of like in a vanilla relationship. We talk, we express our feelings, wants, and needs.
      Most of all though we have fun exploring the different aspects of ourselves.

      Wishing you and Mynx a very Happy, Healthy, Safe, and of course Kinky New Year

      Reply

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