I Got it Wrong #BDSM

By | June 27, 2017

In a big way I got it wrong

So this past weekend was a milestone for us. It has been several weeks since I have embarked upon my new life and slowly but surely I’m settling in. My new routine is working itself out; I’m getting more comfortable in the kitchen and trying some new recipes even. As for my wood working; I am getting up early which is later then I used to and spending the mornings out in the shop. Not to mention that it is nice being home with the boys and Kayla.

Prior to the change I was worried that my Dominance might not be as much as it had been but in actuality it is quite the opposite. I’m finding that I have been expressing my Dominant side much more to the pleasure of Kayla.

This past weekend was a milestone for us. Since I am now doing my shop work in the mornings during the week, I don’t have to go out and work in there on the weekends. So what this meant was that this past weekend was actually going to be for us to spend together. Now some kinky fuckery would have been nice but this was going to be a weekend just spending some well needed family time together.

On Saturday we slept in till 10:30, that was a luxury that I hadn’t experienced in many many years. After a nice breakfast that Kayla made for me all of us were off to the library. We spent a good amount of time there and speaking for myself I can get lost in a stack of books. When we left we all had a stack of books in our hands.

From there I had to drop off something at a local shop for a upcoming show I’m doing and then it was off to Starbucks to get a treat for us all.

We went home after that and had a quick but late lunch and then we were all off to the pool. After that it was was a night spent watching movies and Doctor Who.

Sunday we had plans to go to a Home show to see if we could get some ideas about a rather nasty looking and outdated lighting fixture in the kitchen. I didn’t want to sleep as late as the day before as there were other things I had on tap for the day.

I was up around 8ish, give or take.

Kayla was still sleeping and I let her stay in bed till 9:30 when I tried to wake her up to get the day started.

That’s where it went wrong, that’s where I went wrong.

She wasn’t her usual self when I woke her. I took it as her just being in babygirl girl mode. So I went with it. I cajoled her, teased her, and in a playful way gave her a hard time.

I badly misread her cues.

I teased her telling her that if she got up there would be another Starbucks treat for her.

She fussed, she whined, and she remained solidly in bed.

This was where I made a bad thing worse; thinking she was just being her normal babygirl self I pulled the Daddy card.

I told her that if she didn’t get up there would be no Starbucks at all.

By the look on her face you would have thought I put a knife through her heart. One would have thought that I would have picked up on it right then and there but no I didn’t.

We often joke about how we Tweet one another while only being a few feet from each other. So I picked up my phone and make a meant to be joking tweet about her not getting any Starbucks.

Things went from bad to worse and then I realized what really was going on.

Her anxiety had kicked into overdrive and I had missed each and every mark. I’m not a mind reader, they didn’t want me at the Physic hotline.

So many people think that as a Dom we should never get it wrong. I wish that really was the case. There are times we blow it in really big ways  and this was one of them. Regardless of your dynamic it’s real people you are dealing with in it. Sometimes being the Big D isn’t what’s needed and won’t make things right.
As a Big D we try to get it right but we too are human and at times fail. It’s okay, it happens. That may not make it any easier at the time but it is one of the things you have to accept and be ready for.

It took me a while to recover from the mistake I made and by that time I had some back peddling to do.

I apologized first and foremost and then I did what she wants during those times. I gave her her space.

We did make it to the Home show which turned out to be a bust as there was no one there in regards to electrical and lighting.

After we got home I again gave her the space she needed and she curled up in her favorite chair with a book. I asked her if she needed anything and made sure she was comfortable and then I went about the rest of my day hanging a new set of blinds and some new pictures in the living room.

We don’t always pick up on others hints of what’s going on. We can only try our best one day to the next.

 

20 thoughts on “I Got it Wrong #BDSM

  1. Kayla Lords

    Awwww, Daddy, I never thought you got it wrong at all. In fact, I was kicking myself for not being better for you. And I never expect you to get it right every single time. Hell, I can’t keep up with my moods and brain waves, how can I expect YOU to do it? But I love you for all the ways you try to help, even if some miss the mark. XOXO

    Reply
  2. Dr. J.

    Owning it and working it together, that’s what it’s all about! Bravo.

    Reply
  3. SilverDom

    I also sometimes make mistakes and misread. I hate it when that happens, but we always talk it through.

    Silverdrop is also my little girl, as well as many other things, and my Daddy energy particularly hates screwing up with her then, ‘cos she’s more vulnerable.

    Reply
    1. John Brownstone Post author

      I think that’s what bothered me the most as by misreading what was going on it was like I hurt her when she was at her most vulnerable.

      That’s what we did, talked through it later which always helps.

      Reply
  4. Pixie Heart

    Awwww bless the pair of you!

    To Kayla, massive hugs and loves from all of us girls! Anxiety is such a £$%&?!”£ thing! I Really feel for you, I know how vile it can be. For me when I get really bad it’s like my brain just stops and I can’t do anything! I just sit there and look dazed and confused! That’s when Kitten will quit often step in and cuddle me or shush me till I cry, and I me full apart crying, brain melting and coming out of my nose crying!

    Sir / Mr John Brownstone dude (still don’t know what to call you , but Babe calls you the Wood Dude) . Everyone gets it wrong sometimes , no one is perfect or with out failings! What counts is that you owned up to getting it wrong, said your sorry and fixed it! maîtriser still gets the wrong end of Babes moods sometimes and they have been doing the D/s thing for 15 years! in the words of my nana ‘There’s no such thing as perfect people, there’s no such thing as a perfect life. So come as you are, broken and scarred. Be who you are’

    Love ,
    Pixie x x x

    Ps Kayla are little bear said do you want to do a sofa day with despicable me 1 and 2?!? would you belive the bossman has not seen either of them! (off to find rope to tie him to the sofa!)

    Reply
    1. John Brownstone Post author

      You are correct there are no perfect life and even after 4+ years I still can get it wrong. Anxiety is a bear, on both sides of the coin. What bothers me most is when I see her get like that it hurts that there is nothing I can do to fix it. All I can do is be there for her until it passes.

      I bet she would like that as they are both good movies, we’re looking forward to DM3 coming out.

      Reply
      1. Pixie Heart

        But my dear sir , that is what she needs you to do! The boss man wanted to make all my problems , anxieties and hurt go away, but what I need was for him to sit and watch me fight them , holding my hand when I needed it! You can kiss away the ouchies and the boo boo’s as much as you can, but just knowing your there if she needs you is such a huge thing to someone with anxiety issues . (I almost sound like I know what I’m on about!)

        Love both the films and off to see the new one on Friday! (Girl date!) . But tonight is Mad Max night!!!!

        Reply
  5. missamelia

    The most Dominant act I can imagine is admitting that you are only human and when a mistake is made, acknowledging it, learning from it, and doing better in the future. I guess that is also the most submissive act I can imagine. Understanding and forgiveness is what makes a strong D/s relationship work. Love and Kinky Fuckery doesn’t hurt either. 😉

    Reply
  6. Pingback: One Lucky Woman #WickedWednesday – A Sexual Being

  7. Ms. Fet

    Well Mr. John B I have to admit nice recovery. The point is you recognize And knowledge the difference and was there for Kayla as much as you can be. Sometimes giving that space is amazing . I wished others pick up on those clues. Kudos!

    Reply
  8. Wandering Through

    Oh, so sorry you were in that situation. I’ve been on both sides of the coin, too, and really identify with not protecting my submissive partner or being the anxious one on waking up.

    Anxiety really is so difficult at times… human alarm system! 🙂

    I’ve read and gotten a lot out of Kayla’s and your posts (just lurked until now…) Some thoughts came to mind as I was reading, and they might help.

    Hopefully this doesn’t bore you…

    So, one of my close friends is a medical researcher with a specific interest in neuroscience, and he reads hundreds or thousands of papers a month —
    ahead of or on the cutting edge of clinical practice and mainstream stuff as research tends to be.

    What I’ve learned recently that might be relevant:

    -Nightmares and anxiety can both be traced to abnormal electrical activity in the human brain.

    -“Abnormal electrical activity” that constricts blood vessels in the brain and leads to less oxygen availability (similar to what happens at high altitude) can also be referred to as “nonconvulsive seizures.” “Seizure” is a scary term for most, but the medical definition of “seizures” is just that and is responsible for a lot of things, like wiring the brain properly in the womb.

    -Every human being has differing levels of “abnormal electrical activity” and a different seizure threshold at which stimulus like lights, noise, sound, and odors lead to seizures – nonconvulsive or convulsive.

    (I still don’t like the term ‘seizures’ being the main one since most people associate that with the scary things that happen in movies when people fall down and shake a lot – at least according to popular culture. 🙂 )

    The really interesting part…

    -All nightmares are considered to be abnormal electrical activity by very recent studies. (last year or so?)

    -Anxiety is suspected micro-seizures (not convulsive, not necessarily with outward signs, affecting areas of the brain such as the limbic region if I’m remembering correctly)

    -More highly intelligent and driven folks tend to have more chance for having more “tangles” in the brain wiring, which can lead to anxiety and non-convulsive seizures.

    -90%+ of all seizure activity happens during sleep.

    -Stress reduces seizure threshold

    -Nighttime seizures or micro-/mini-seizures can lead to a buildup of waste products in the brain’s glymphatic system that drains the waste.

    (The buildup of those waste products not draining, by the way, is suspected to be what creates the “characteristic tau protein” that is often mentioned in brains in people with Alzheimer’s.)

    -After nighttime seizures, one will wake up more anxious, sometimes a lot more anxious, and if the seizure threshold is lowered enough, even the idea of moving or doing anything can be excruciating.

    I think we’ve all had those mornings, so it’s a bit strange trying to type this all out as a medical phenomenon… It’s probably more accurate to say that we all have fluctuating seizure thresholds.

    I personally experiment with drink some of the fancy waters with a higher pH because the waste products are acidic, glacier water being best, and I feel great when I’m un-wakeable.

    Lemon balm tea has been used for centuries with these things and has gotten me up more mornings than I can count since learning about all this.

    Mornings like that almost don’t exist for me now despite currently recovering from a brain injury.

    But I also do other things, look up which foods or activities raise or lower seizure threshold so I have a more educated idea… a bit too much to write.

    I hope the message conveys the basic ideas. I’m not necessarily meaning to apply all this directly to you but more interested in sharing information out there that might be helpful and letting you and others take what is helpful from it. 🙂

    So, due to the brain injury, can’t really research or study as I’d like to, but I’d be happy to ask my friend for study links or things like that if they interest you or anyone else who wanders by this page. 🙂

    Okay, I hope that wasn’t too terribly long-winded.

    Thank you to both of you for the effort put into your blogs. I find the posts some of the most clearly-written out there about BDSM and learn and ponder much from them.

    Both of your writings have helped me with struggles understand aspects of myself, and they actually often come up as the first or second search suggestion on Google searches.

    It’s also very inspiring just seeing two people try to live authentically and bravely for the internet to see.

    You’ve both made an impact over in this little corner of the universe, and I definitely plan to return! (And maybe continue to lurk; I’m usually pretty shy.)

    Have a great day, both of you, and may there be less bouncy mornings! 🙂

    Reply
    1. Wandering Through

      Oh, I forgot to add to edit on that post that tiny bits of kombucha are pretty awesome on those mornings for myself and the other people whom I’ve talked to, too, although it’s varied whether people like the taste. 🙂

      Reply
      1. Wandering Through

        (Sorry for a third edit to add: For clarity, I re-read that and realized that “abnormal electrical activity” can cause either cofnvulsive or non-convulsive seizurre activity in the brain, but non-convulsive activity is the most common and often doesn’t have much outward sign.

        I’m not really sure about “abnormal,” either, and other ways of talking about this that make it more likely to be stigmatized, but that really is a very complex topic. 🙂 )

        Reply

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