Taking Back Me #BDSM

By | July 19, 2015

It’s been a while, to long in one aspect and in others not long enough.

I’ve taken a hiatus from my Tumblr page. As much as I love the imagery among other things of late it holds no catharsis for me. For a while now I haven’t felt much like Daddy, for a while now I haven’t felt much like a Sadist. The D/s aspect of our relationship continues, the rules, the protocols all remain in place along with a few new rules. Those I cling to as it gives me a perception of normalcy.

A little bit ago I had to take a step back, it was as much for my own sanity as it was for other reasons; let me explain. In helping to care for my sister L I have used up all my sick time, I have none left. Kayla has been wonderful, she has stepped up and helped with L as if it were her own family. She has been her ride to and from appointments some as many as 4 times a week. This has taken away from Kayla’s work as an earning writer. With all this we have gone through most of our savings.

Other then our other sister A; family has not stepped up to help, our mom still has not come to terms with what is happening. When I do see her or talk to her she never even asks about L. My dad who keeps saying he will be down to help seems to find ways to keep putting off his trip here. He was supposed to be here a little over a month ago and yet he keeps finding more reasons to not come. Other family members that talk to me either don’t believe me or think I am exaggerating as they will tell me that they have talked to her and she sounds good. They don’t realize she only talks to them when she is having a good day or she has recently received a transfusion and is “up”

It led me to a decision, if we; meaning Kayla and I can’t take care of ourselves how can we help her. I found her a service through Hospice that would assist her even though she is still getting treatment. They would provide an aide to help around the house, give her bath’s, cook, and do other things. I found her organizations that would give her rides to her appointments.

My sister refuses the help, I was frustrated. I ranted and railed. It was brought to my attention by someone very near and dear to my heart that even though she is ill she is still a grown woman. It was then I knew I had to step back.

I gave her the tools, I put them in front of her. I explained to her about using up my time off, how our savings are gone, how Kayla needed to focus once more on her work. I still go to her doctor appointments with her every two weeks. I have to make the time up by going in to work early. Kayla is committed to giving her a ride once a week, L’s choice. We weren’t abandoning her but things had to change. She understood.

It’s still not easy..I still struggle to get back to being me.

We had a chance last night; a chance to be with out the boys for a night. It was also the night of the monthly party at our second home with the people we have come to know as our BDSM family. We jumped on it. I packed the toy bag and even added something that I have been working on out in the garage, one for me and one I planned to give to a friend at the club.

I wanted to play, but I was also nervous. My mind was a bit scattered.
When we got to the club I felt some relief, being around the people there made me feel at ease. The fact we were greeted so warmly by everyone and how they missed us and were so happy to see us again lifted my spirits.

It didn’t last long for me, I became restless. I wandered from spot to spot. Watching two people play who I normally love to watch didn’t help me much. As another couple was setting up to play the Domme, Mistress A looked at me and beckoned me over. She wanted me to play with her, to be a duo with her on her regular play partner. It was an honour to be asked by her. It meant she trusted me as a Dom and respected me enough to share that energy with her.

I had to turn her down, I couldn’t; my mind was to scattered and at that point I wasn’t even sure if Kayla and I were going to play. I couldn’t tell her just then why but I promised her when she was done we would talk.

She began her scene, at the same time another couple began playing on the opposite end of the room. The energy was intense, it flooded the room, Kayla was soaking it up like a sponge and her reaction was immediate and strong. I felt it, I acknowledged it but it seemed to pass though me leaving me mostly unaffected.

When they were both done I still wasn’t sure if I wanted to play. Kayla purred and cooed filled with the energy of the night. I was afraid…yes…I had doubts. What if my mind wasn’t in it and I made a mistake hurting her. What if I let myself go to far and hurt her.

Kayla finally said something to me that tipped the scale in her favour.
Mentally though I made a pact in my mind, if the slightest little thing was off, if I wasn’t in the moment the scene would end; no if, and, or buts about it.

There were several people who were there that wanted to watch us play, they knew what we are about and our energy. It still even as I write this feels odd that they want to see us play.

I decided to do something different, I wanted to use the suspension lines so I could have full access to all of Kayla…I didn’t want to leave any part untouched.

It started out slow, every movement, every touch, was thought through and deliberate.

I’m not sure even when it happened but soon the other people watching us was wiped from my mind. They no longer existed.

It was only me and Kayla suspended from the rope.

Paddles, floggers, my hands, Dragon tongue whip, Whartenburg wheel, and canes all came into play.

I played hard, I pushed her more then I ever have. The sound of the paddle as it connected with her flesh filled the room which was then followed by her cries.

At times I asked her for a colour, it was green, she wanted more. While I knew instinctively what she was doing and I did just that, I gave her more. My new wooden canes connected again and again with her flesh, my Delrin cane used not so much as a cane but as evil stick connected again and again marking her.

Still she asked for more.

I gave it to her, yet I was once more myself as I watched her…..giving her what she needed, giving her what I needed to give her but under a watchful eye.

Soon I saw it, the tell-tale shake as she still asked for more.
The scene ended, I undid her cuffs and help her to a seat to bring her back down to earth.

Once Kayla was back to herself I found Mistress A; we talked and explained to her my reason for not wanting to play. She understood. We talked for some time about things and Kayla joined us.
The rest of the evening was spent enjoying the company of others, making some new friends and reaffirming old ones.

It was well into the morning hours hours 4:30am to be exact when we rolled home.

Me; I was still charged from the night and twice I fiercely took Kayla which even surprised her.

Today, I’m more then I was yesterday..still not fully back to myself but a little further up the road.

Triple Threat

Triple Threat

IMG_5478

Triple Threat

A childhood friend of my sisters had visited, she stayed with L for a few days. Sadly she sees what I see.
Since she returned home she spoke to some of my family up north, showing them the pictures and what she has told them of L there are some who now understand and see.
Still doesn’t make it any easier.

25 thoughts on “Taking Back Me #BDSM

  1. Kayla Lords

    Daddy, I love you so very much. Whether you feel like Daddy, a sadist, or just plain old John Brownstone. My heart hurts for you so much and I would do anything to take away the stress and pain from you. Anything.

    You needed last night more than anyone. I’m glad you pushed through your own mental block and took care of yourself. Remember my theory? If receiving a spanking works so well for me, it stands to reason that giving a spanking (or whatever) would work for you. 🙂

    You’re the best man I’ve ever known and we will get through this together.

    Reply
    1. John Brownstone Post author

      Like I said last night when you asked what you could do. Just having you next to me with my arm curled around you helps. 🙂

      Reply
  2. Christina Mandara

    Life seems to pose plenty of challenges – but all you can do is handle them as best you are able. Hope the family steps up to help soon <3 But you need down 'fun' time and I'm glad that you managed to unwind a little at the club. Hopefully things will get easier soon.

    Reply
    1. John Brownstone Post author

      It seems life is nothing but a maze of challenges at times. Dealing with a family member this sick is treading new ground. It has been daunting to say the least.

      Reply
  3. Mynx

    Oh Southern Sir, I remember the days of caring for very ill family members, and that feeling of responsibility, and the shear utter exhaustion. Plus it’s so devastating to watch someone you love suffer, and be so needy. Don’t stop offering her alternative solutions, because one day she will find that need to reach for them, and you need that mental and physical break. I will tell you this….it won’t last forever, and I pray it somehow gets easier and more manageable for you. You have a strong woman by your side, and together you can tackle anything!
    Glad also to hear you were able to work thru your funk this past weekend. With what you both have been thru, it doesn’t surprise me at all. Hang in there, sending our thoughts and prayers your way!

    Love, Mynx and Mr TW

    Reply
    1. John Brownstone Post author

      Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, they are appreciated and needed. Slowly and surely I am working through it, it hasn’t been easy nor is it happening all at once. (some times it feels like slogging through mud.)

      As for the alternative forms of help, I haven’t backed down…they are still there on the table, hopefully when she is ready she will reach out.

      Kayla has been a solid rock that I have been able to turn to whenever I need her. She is an amazing woman.

      Reply
  4. Zwith

    I’m glad you are working through it all and that things are looking up for you.

    Zwith

    Reply
  5. Susan Bramley

    Dear Sir I know how you feel. When my (now ex) partner had a stroke I tried to help as much as I could. My doctor was great and signed me off work for the first 2 weeks while he was in hospital and even offered to sign me off for longer if I needed it. However, I knew I needed to get back to work. He was in his late 40’s when it happened. Unfortunately he had always been a person who saw the glass as “half empty” rather than “half full” which made it difficult for him to see a way clear of the problems from his stroke. Physically he looked fine but hit affected his cognitive skills which meant he had to give up work. I, like you, tried to get the relative authorities involved in helping with his problems but he refused to sign paperwork for me to speak on his behalf. Two years after his stroke I lost my father the “sympathy” lasted 2 weeks but then it was back to I need you to help me. The standing joke at the time was he had the stroke I had the counselling!! Time passed and I realised that for my own health and well being I had to get out of the relationship. I know you cannot do that and I feel so much for you and Kayla and what you are going through. Please note that I think of you both often and pray for you too that somebody else from the family will come and help you. Love, hugs and kisses to you both.

    Reply
    1. John Brownstone Post author

      Susan, it seems you have walked a similar path. Not an easy one to be sure but more and more I think there is a reason for what challenges us in life. That in the end it doesn’t take away from who we are but adds to it.
      You are right I can’t get out of it, but I am working to find a balance, a better place for my sister and for Kayla and I
      It isn’t easy, it seems for every step forward there has been two steps back.
      Even though slowly ground is being gained and I won’t/can’t give up.
      Thank you for your thoughts and prayers

      Reply
  6. Lilli

    It sounds very much like you needed that night, that release, that time to try and regain your sense of center. As others have said, I hope that more family members step up to help out and that L is willing to utilize the resources that are available to her so that there is less pressure on you and Kayla.

    Reply
    1. John Brownstone Post author

      Lilli, that is an excellent way of looking at it “regaining center” and it was so needed. We are hoping that L will reach out to other resources. Like a explained to her, they are trained in what they do, I know what I know…let them do what they know ho to do. We shall see.

      Reply
  7. Pingback: Erotic Haiku 90 - A Sexual Being : A Sexual Being

  8. greengirl

    My husband (my Sir) and I have been through the death of my father, and now our son’s serious illness. We don’t have friends with whom we can be open in this way, no way to immerse ourselves in that kind of energy. And he is very reluctant to let himself go, even just the two of us, when he doesn’t trust his own headspace. I know his reasons for all of this, but i do sometimes wish this kind of release, re-centering and renewal were available to him. I’m glad you and Kayla were able to make this happen. I hope you continue to be able to find a better balance.

    Reply
    1. John Brownstone Post author

      greengirl, thank you for commenting and apologize for taking so long to respond.

      Having that ability to center ourselves and having the close-knit friends both here online and in the local community where we live has been such a tremendous help.

      What has helped keep me on track through all this is Kayla’s submissive side in which even the times I didn’t feel very Dom like she continued serving. Her babygirl side which needed taking care of. Then add to that her supportive side which helped keep me grounded in reality. All those things and having this particular moment helped in SO many ways.

      I send you peaceful and healing thoughts for your son and you & your husband.

      Reply
  9. Pingback: A Cleansing of Souls Through Pain - A Sexual Being : A Sexual Being

  10. Tom Wolf

    So much upheaval my friend… You know what I mean when I say you have such a good girl there for you, and for miss Kayla. What an amazing scene and release of pent up energy for you both. What a real treasure in so many ways- your Kayla is an amazing soul inside and out. Please know our thoughts and prayers continue for you and your family John…

    Much love to you both my friend…

    -Tom Wolf
    ?

    Reply
  11. Wordwytch

    I am so late in reading and replying to this, but know that we love you both. We understand the headspace. Our own playtime has been distracted of late. Just too much going on.

    I am so glad though that you have found even just a little space for you and Kayla.

    Hugs, love and belated birthday wishes.

    Wordwytch and Wolf

    Reply
  12. Cheeky Minx

    I’m so sorry I missed this post while I was away and travelling.

    Now I’m here, I’m unsure I have the words to respond to your complex emotions and situation. It makes my heart very glad that you and Kayla were able to find some time together, to reconnect, to slowly get back to that place, that feeling of desire and need.

    I can only wish you my best and my most heartfelt and healing wishes for your sister. Even though this must have been a difficult piece to pen, I feel very honoured to be given this insight, to have you share so much of yourself and life with us all.

    ~M x

    Reply

Leave a Reply