The Internet is Here to Stay #BDSM

By | November 7, 2014

I remember all those years ago when I got my first computer, popped in that AOL disk, loaded it up, plugged in the modem and then sat down to dinner while I waited for the page to load through the 14k modem. After I finished eating I eagerly went back to the computer to see what it held.

That was the beginning of an amazing journey for me.

Fast forward many years and we now live, breath, and die by the Internet. Broadband has replaced the slow dial up modems and now with our cell phones the web is at our finger tips.

There has been a lot being said bout BDSM and the online world of late, a fair portion of it good and to the fact, Love with Domination brought up some very good points in his post. Vile whom I have a great deal of respect for also made some good points about being an online Dom.

The Internet is here to stay, it isn’t going anywhere any time soon; it may change, it may morph into something different as time goes by but it is here with us as an integral part of our lives.

As many of you know Kayla and I met online and after time we met and then became a couple and now we are together as a D/s couple sharing out lives.

Did it just happen with the snap of a finger or the blink of an eye? No.

When we first met online we began talking through comments on our blogs, from there it moved to email. We emailed constantly morning and night, what did we talk about? Well this may actually bore you a bit but everything. No we didn’t talk about sex and who liked what. We talked about mundane vanilla things. We talked about our favourite foods, we talked about what movies and TV shows we liked. We wanted to know what each others favourite colour is. We talked about family and very ordinary things.

Of course there was talk about our kinks, we both had blogs that were very heavily kink themed but it wasn’t the only topic of our conversations. Our kink talk was more along the lines of likes and dislikes. What our soft limits were, what our hard limits were. Not once did I tell her she should bend her knee to me or that she should call me Sir. nor did we talk about specific sex acts etc.

Now one thing that was different about me is that already prior to having met Kayla online I was a part of the local lifestyle here. I attended munches and other social gatherings. I was a sponge soaking up knowledge and information. At the same time I was getting to know people and learn from them, people who had been in the lifestyle for many years.

In time the talks with Kayla evolved from email to chats and then in time from there to talks on the phone. One theme in our talks was eventually meeting in person. She asked if I would take her to her first munch and we talked about setting up our first meeting face to face. We planned everything out to when I would travel to met her, we talked extensively about expectations and what we planned was to make her feel comfortable in her meeting me for the first time.

Even vanilla online dating has it’s pitfalls, I encouraged Kayla to run a background check on me, insisted on it. There was nothing that was hidden from her as I gave her full disclosure.In our lifestyle, the TTWD it would seem to be even more prudent to enter in with eyes wide open. When you are talking to a potential Dominant who is also a sadist why oh why would you not want to know if they are vetted as a part of the community.

I don’t disagree that the online world makes t easy for predators and abusers to find someone to prey one. Sadly they are around and they come out of the woodwork. I spend a good deal of time on Tumblr and it tears me up to see the damage they do to new and unsuspecting subs and even in some cases subs who are not so new to the lifestyle. When I talk to people online I encourage them to look into the local munches and lifestyle in their community; to become involved with it and be a part of it.

There was a time and in some places it still is that the only way you could meet people in the lifestyle was to be vetted. It was hard to find a local munch as even those were very secretive. Where Kayla used to live was a part of the Bible belt and everything was underground. The community has come a long way from the time of newsletters being found only in seedy adult book stores.

Some people online are serious about the lifestyle and are eager to learn about it and what it has to offer. Yet they hold back going to their local munches and socials in fear of being outed and recognized. That is not a completely unfounded fear, especially when reputations and jobs can be on the line. Realize on thing though, at munches and socials it is like being in Vegas, what happens there stays there. Everyone there is faced with the same concerns. Yet the love of the lifestyle is what brings them together.

Lets face it in this day and age, the digital age the Internet is it, when people look for information where are they going to go, the Internet! I see it too that people who have been in the lifestyle do not fully trust the web, it is understandable. But, I do believe that somewhere, somehow, in some way there has to be a blending of the two. Many authors today use the Internet to get the word out about the books they have written talking about the lifestyle, I’m not talking about erotica authors here but experienced people who write about living the life as 24/7 D/s.

In my early days on the web I had an online sub, I was green, wet behind the ears and had no clue. I did the foolishness of swaggering into a chat room and telling subs to fall down on their knees to me. I had them capitalize letters when referring to me. Now I look back and see how foolish it was. What helped though was finding the resources online that led me to the proper understanding, the right people to learn from.ย  Why do most of us who blog do what we do? For several reasons; to expand our own understanding and pass what we have learned onto others so that in turn they can grow into their own.

I firmly believe there has to come a reckoning, a blending of the real world lifestyle with the online world, it is here, it is a easy resource for people seeking. While it may be impossible to totally rid this environment of the trolls, fakes, and wannabes, lets also try to make a it a place for learning and growth and leading people into the next step of their journey.

10 thoughts on “The Internet is Here to Stay #BDSM

  1. Cinn

    Great post Sir

    You and Kayla are examples of how to do it right. This is probably one of my favorite posts from you. I agree – there are good and bad, but it’s not going anywhere.
    Thanks for continuing the discussion

    Reply
  2. Tom Wolf

    Well said Mr Brownstone… It is so very interesting to me to listen intently and ask questions when I “meet” someone new online. The truth is, each of us with a screen name and Gravatar live behind the scenes in somewhat of facade. But you’re right, you can tell pretty quickly those who practice and those who fantasize. And there’s nothing wrong with either unless your negatively impacting another’s life- then, you’re right again, enter the stalker, the predator, the one who is self-serving, who wishes and intends harm. We’ll sort ’em out in short order and hopefully no one gets truly hurt.

    The beauty is, those of us who’ve gotten to know one another understand the sense of community here and it becomes self-policing, extending that shield around those who’re genuine and legitimately seeking to understand more about TTWD…

    Great post Sir, thank you for sharing…

    -Tom Wolf (Mynx’s Sir)

    Reply
    1. John Brownstone Post author

      Mr. TW, that is true, what it comes down to for some online role-play is all they want. As long as they are not hurting anyone that is fine. Even here the undesirables are pretty much evident.

      Reply
  3. Christina Mandara

    Some good advice there for new subs – and the most important rule of thumb is to always stay safe, as you mentioned. Be careful, ask around and always take precautions.

    If you meet that special person, they won’t mind if you check up on them – and then the sky is the limit ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Have a great weekend ๐Ÿ™‚

    Reply
    1. John Brownstone Post author

      Exactly, it comes down to trust which is paramount and if each is being honest with the other then it won’t matter if one checks up on the other.
      People vet for others in the community which is a check of sorts.

      Reply
  4. Kayla Lords

    You know how I feel about this particular topic. In my mind, those of us who are online andopen about the D/s and/or BDSM life we lead have a responsibility. In the online world, where there are so many posers, abusers, and fakes, we are the stewards of the reality of D/s and BDSM. There’s no requirement that we write about it all, but when we do, we have to be the ones who show what it really looks like, not just what we think it should be.

    People new to the lifestyle will start their search online. They’ll find the fakes and abusers, but hopefully, they’ll find people like you, Daddy, or Vile, or several others. They’ll find information that’s useful and will help them grow in the lifestyle. That’s my hope, anyway.

    Reply

Leave a Reply