Everyone has walls to some degree; vanilla, submissive, or even Dominant they are there. What varies is the measure of how high and how thick they can be.
I even have a fairly good understanding of why submissives build walls…they have to some degree been hurt in ways that most could never begin to understand. Also I have been around long enough to understand the depth of time, patience, understanding, and building of trust it takes to even begin chipping away at these walls. There is also the aspect that when a sub does submit to a Dominant it is a giving so deep there is nothing else that could even come close to it.
When that is taken away it rips a huge hole; a gap that does not heal quickly nor easily.
Now any submissives reading this skip over the next paragragh or you risk a spanking.
The same to some extent goes for the Dominant. When done right the Dom gives as much as they receive. They offer themselves as a protector to a sub, they freely give their strength and their guidance. The Dom is not just theere to give spankings but to offer a shoulder for the sub to lean on. The Dom is there to also push the sub in order that they may grow..again not just in their submissiveness but also as a person. When this is taken away from the Dom it leaves its own kind of emptiness and a void.
Okay all of you who didn’t listen line up for your spankings.
I’m sure at this point many of you are wondering what is my point to all this…where is this leading to.
A number of months ago I was approached by a submissive who wrote to me. We corresponded back and forth by email discussing many number of things…BDSM, life, each other, work, what submission means, what Dominance means. Along with finding that we shared the same sense of humor among other things.
Over time it seemed to grow closer even to the point that there was a level of trust and mutual respect that began to develop. Each of us opened up more about personal aspects of each of our lives and then it was asked of me to assume a somewhat of a Dominant role in this peprsons life.
I am not one who believes that any woman should submit to a man just because he is a Dominant…it is something that is earned over time through trust, respect and communication.
I accepted and began in little ways to assume a somewhat Dominant role in this persons life. Now that being said when you cross that boundary and begin to become part of a persons life at that level there is a bond that develops…it is inevitable when you reach into someones life at that level.
This person had been carrying some deep hurt and I knew that…I openly talked about my growing feelings and she was honest about hers as well. Feelings wise we are not on the same page.
Here is my problem. Many times she has said that I make her feel safe. In the beginning I felt that it mean that there was a level of trust building between us and I still do think that is so to a certain extent. I have also begun to wonder though if her meaning of safe is that I provide for her a level of safety where she does not have to step outside of her bounds of being hurt and moving beyond that.
Several times in our talks now, our communication has grown over time to not just emails but txt’s, chat, phone calls, and yes we have met in person.
Anyway on a couple of occasions she made a reference to the fact that now it is not just her past Dom but now also me that others will be guaged as to how she would expect to be treated and loved. She made this comment again the other day and I finally asked her about it…if I am being used (and I do not mean to say I feel like I am being used as I do not feel that way at all) to guage how future people will approach her what is wrong with the real thing?
I did not receive a response.
After some thought it made me wonder if I am not helping this person; if in fact I am allowing myself to be used as part of her wall and not allowing her to move on to where she needs to be.