Walls

By | April 13, 2013

Everyone has walls to some degree; vanilla, submissive, or even Dominant they are there. What varies is the measure of how high and how thick they can be.

I even have a fairly good understanding of why submissives build walls…they have to some degree been hurt in ways that most could never begin to understand. Also I have been around long enough to understand the depth of time, patience, understanding, and building of trust it takes to even begin chipping away at these walls. There is also the aspect that when a sub does submit to a Dominant it is a giving so deep there is nothing else that could even come close to it.

When that is taken away it rips a huge hole; a gap that does not heal quickly nor easily.

Now any submissives reading this skip over the next paragragh or you risk a spanking.

The same to some extent goes for the Dominant. When done right the Dom gives as much as they receive. They offer themselves as a protector to a sub, they freely give their strength and their guidance. The Dom is not just theere to give spankings but to offer a shoulder for the sub to lean on. The Dom is there to also push the sub in order that they may grow..again not just in their submissiveness but also as a person. When this is taken away from the Dom it leaves its own kind of emptiness and a void.

Okay all of you who didn’t listen line up for your spankings.

I’m sure at this point many of you are wondering what is my point to all this…where is this leading to.

A number of months ago I was approached by a submissive who wrote to me. We corresponded back and forth by email discussing many number of things…BDSM, life, each other, work, what submission means, what Dominance means. Along with finding that we shared the same sense of humor among other things.

Over time it seemed to grow closer even to the point that there was a level of trust and mutual respect that began to develop. Each of us opened up more about personal aspects of each of our lives and then it was asked of me to assume a somewhat of a Dominant role in this peprsons life.

I am not one who believes that any woman should submit to a man just because he is a Dominant…it is something that is earned over time through trust, respect and communication.

I accepted and began in little ways to assume a somewhat Dominant role in this persons life. Now that being said when you cross that boundary and begin to become part of a persons life at that level there is a bond that develops…it is inevitable when you reach into someones life at that level.

This person had been carrying some deep hurt and I knew that…I openly talked about my growing feelings and she was honest about hers as well. Feelings wise we are not on the same page.

Here is my problem. Many times she has said that I make her feel safe. In the beginning I felt that it mean that there was a level of trust building between us and I still do think that is so to a certain extent. I have also begun to wonder though if her meaning of safe is that I provide for her a level of safety where she does not have to step outside of her bounds of being hurt and moving beyond that.

Several times in our talks now, our communication has grown over time to not just emails but txt’s, chat, phone calls, and yes we have met in person.
Anyway on a couple of occasions she made a reference to the fact that now it is not just her past Dom but now also me that others will be guaged as to how she would expect to be treated and loved. She made this comment again the other day and I finally asked her about it…if I am being used (and I do not mean to say I feel like I am being used as I do not feel that way at all) to guage how future people will approach her what is wrong with the real thing?

I did not receive a response.

After some thought it made me wonder if I am not helping this person; if in fact I am allowing myself to be used as part of her wall and not allowing her to move on to where she needs to be.

12 thoughts on “Walls

  1. Wordwytch

    First off, you’ll have to talk to Wolf about that spanking.

    Second… Remember that it is a two way connection. There should be no “use”, but trust, understanding and honest communications. That you are being a measurement or a gage by which people are held accountable, that can be a good thing if dealt with properly. However, if it is just a shallow “Oh well, so and so did this and …” then that can lead to hurt and pain if things are not handled well.

    Hugs!

    Reply
    1. SouthernSir

      We have been talking and hashing things out. It is not a matter of being used….that was a poor choice of words on my part.

      Reply
  2. sharronkelley

    I confess I read the whole thing…sorry 🙂

    I remember saying something similar to my previous Sir, but it was because at the outset of our relationship, he made it clear that he was not interested in a “forever” relationship with anyone. So if that is something you two have talked about, then that may explain it. I knew that one day Sir would release me (or I would ask to be released) so I knew that I WOULD be measuring others by him. But I can also understand how that can make you feel used, especially if you want more. I do hope that you two can resolve it in a positive way. You seem like a man of very good and honest character who deserves a submissive who will cherish him for HIM.

    Reply
    1. SouthernSir

      Thank you Sharon, neither one of us knows what the long term will bring at this point, so much up in the air. For the short term, the here and now..hopefully more understanding will be made by each side.

      Reply
  3. Cheeky Minx

    While I’m not a submissive in a strict sense, I understand this predicament. Reading your post had me thinking this is a question of intimacy and the kinds of feelings, responses, issues, walls that are brought about and brought into relief as a result of a growing closeness. This might be an issue of being used (for want of a better term) and it might not. You might be a means for her to clarify what it is she wants and doesn’t from a Dom; if you’re the kind that ticks those boxes, how could she not compare other men and Doms to you? You might also be the means she’s protecting herself. But she just may need a little more shelter, a little more safety, before venturing beyond that wall.

    I feel this a process we all mobilise in intimate relationships. Having said that, the channels of communication need to be open and transparent. I sincerely hope she responds soon and you look after your most generous and giving heart and soul.

    ~Minx

    Reply
    1. SouthernSir

      Minx as usual you provide in insight I had not thought about, that at this point she just needs a safe refuge and I can provide her that.
      This is one reason I decided to write this post, do I always have the right answers, no…I try, but I am also open to seeing/hearing what others think. Sometimes one is to close to a situation and needs to step back to see clearly. Thank you

      Reply
  4. xtremelust

    I came back to read the replies because I was hoping you would elaborate a little more on exactly what it is that you feel remiss over? It kind of sounds like you want to teach her something (the walls) and you sound disappointed that it appears she would be unwilling to accept that? What exactly are her walls?

    Reply
    1. SouthernSir

      The biggest wall in al this is she is afraid to communicate her feelings because she is afraid of hurting people.
      Since my having written this we have talked to some extent and she has opened up about where she is at, what she wants, and what she needs.
      Was I hurt..yes a bit, but now there are no assumptions made and each knows where the other is at.
      Now we move forward.

      Reply
      1. HusDom

        Southern Sir,

        For me and my LK it is this open and honest communication that is the most rewarding part of our D/s lifestyle.

        “Now we move forward”

        From my personal experience, this may be a milestone.

        Congratulations…

        HusDom

        Reply
        1. SouthernSir

          Thank you for you comment…I agree with you the depth of communication can be second to none. It is a corner turned and movie g in the right direction.

          Reply

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