Aligning Limits #BDSM

By | November 10, 2015

TDP #31
“You do not have to do The Thing. You don’t. Someone can want it, desire it, even expect it in their relationships. But there is choice. And just as they have the choice to expect, you have the choice to deny. They may want it, desire it, expect it. But they cannot demand it from someone who says ‘No, I do not want that.’”subgirlygirl [original post]

  • We rarely hear dominants talking about limits and how a submissive’s limits may not align with their own desires, or even needs. A respectful dom will say a limit is a limit and it needs to be honored, but what about those times when they really want or need something? What if their submissive partner simply says no?
  • How does a dominant reconcile their needs with the limits of the submissive?
  • When is the difference between the dominant’s desires and the submissive’s limits enough to sever a relationship, or stop one from starting?

A special thanks for this week’s prompts that were inspired by a message from subgirlygirl! You can find her original post here:

I came across this as I was scrolling through my dash on Tumblr and as I read it the gears in my mind began to turn. Limits such a small word yet in our lifestyle it carries so much weight. The things we do, the boundaries we push as a Dominant all hinge on that one word.

Limits are in place for a reason, they are the checks and balances of the world. Regardless of whether we are Dom or sub in one way or another we have to toe the line on certain limits; it could be with family, friends, and more times then not at work.

What happens when those limits don’t align, it can get ugly and it can get messy. When looking for a partner that fits our limits in the Lifestyle we need to fully know and understand our own. I’m a sadist, I love inflicting pain, the right kind of pain that is. Mostly I am a spanko, I love giving spankings in all shapes and forms, hand, paddle, flogger, and sometimes even canes. There comes a point when you have to decide what is a deal breaker, as a sadist I align with someone who is a masochist.

Could I have a relationship with someone who is not a masochist to my sadist; possibly.
It would take a lot of communication, trust and understanding. They would need to understand my need to top someone from time to time. If that person did not want me to spank them and did not give me the ability to exercise those needs it would be a deal breaker. Being a sub does not mean you are a masochist just like being a Dom does not mean you are a sadist.

How could there be a relationship if each others needs were not being met. What if you are Poly and the person you are looking to have a long term relationship isn’t. Down the road that could be very problematic and in most cases is a deal breaker.

I know a couple personally in our local community that are married, they are both Doms/Dommes. They worked out their relationship long ago and they each have their own slave yet have their own relationship with one another.

When I met Kayla we became friends first, oh we knew each other had a proclivity for the kinkier side of life to be sure but it was friends first kinks later.

WE had many late night talks about our kinks what we liked, what we didn’t like, what we thought we might like. We talked, we negotiated and in the end we found our kinks aligned rather well.

There were things we talked about that made her nervous, rope play being one of them. In time as our relationship grew and she trusted me she agreed to try some rope play. Did I go full on and do an elaborate Shibari tie the first time out of the gate. No! I started slow with a simple harness, taking my time and going slow. In time she grew to love it and now she loves the feel of rope as it glides across her skin.

Canes were another limit. They scared the bejebuss out of her. Again we talked and did our homework and then when all was said and done we talked some more. Canes are no longer a hard limit for her and we do incorporate them into our play, some I have even made myself. Do I go full on with her with a cane, no but they are a part of our play. While they are not her favourite when all is said and done the next day I will find her admiring the marks left behind in the mirror.

Are having your limits aligned in a relationship important…Yes! It doesn’t matter if you are in a committed relationship or just looking to do a Top/bottom scene with someone you met at the club.

Understand your limits, know what ones are important to you and are set in stone.  Know which ones you are willing to compromise on and are willing to work with.
The BDSM lifestyle is about fulfilling your dreams and expressing who you are don’t sell yourself short.



12 thoughts on “Aligning Limits #BDSM

  1. Kayla Lords

    Glad to see you back in the blogging space. I saw this on Tumblr today and loved it. I don’t think all kinks and limits have to perfectly align but it’s best if they match up at least a little and if both partners are willing to learn something new and try (once trust is earned, of course). 🙂

  2. Wildwestangel

    I think this could be an issue many of us encounter after the committed relationship is already established. I know this was a challenge for us. The option to part ways due to incompatibility was not on the table. Quite a test of communication and negotiation for us.

    1. John Brownstone Post author

      Already being in a committed relationship and working out limits can be an even more challenging task and hats off to those that are able to work through it.

  3. Franco Bolli

    Happy you are back Sir! I could not agree more with you. Limits are an absolutely necessity. But I do not believe they have to be carved in stone because you simply can’t. Doing so would mean people do not change, that a relationship does not evolve. Increased trust can also change limits. But it is important to have them. I see it like going on a trip and you have a map with you, a 1:500000, you know the main roads leading to the destination. When you get closer you switch to a more detailed map and when you are arrived, your map is even more detailed enabling you to get the most out of you stay.

    1. John Brownstone Post author

      It’s good to be back Sir. Nothing is ever truly carved in stone, even then stone can be reworked. I do like your trip analogy it is rather fitting. But even with taking a journey the point is to go from point A to point B. If you are going to B and meet someone who is going to C which is in the other direction it would be hard to align the journey.

  4. Lilli

    I sometimes find having my limits pushed a bit to be rather exciting. Mind you, I’m in a loving, committed relationship with a man I’ve known since we were both children. Thankfully, for the most part his and my kink interests align, so we really haven’t found this to be much of an issue for us. I can certainly see how it could be for many though.

    1. John Brownstone Post author

      Having limits pushed is what this lifestyle is about, when done right it pushes not only the sub but the Dom as well.

  5. christina mandara

    Being compatible in the D/s department is very important. I often think, though, that limits set at the beginning of the relationship can often be renegotiated as the relationship develops and trust is earned. It’s all about the journey 🙂

  6. greengirl

    What if it goes the other direction? What if the D’s limits and interests are more restricting than the s’s? Having limits pushed is wonderful, exhilirating, connecting…. Knowing that won’t happen is deflating and discouraging. But – yet- i do feel i’m supposed to follow him, to let myself be molded by him…. It feels more tangled than the other way around.

  7. Tanya Bryant

    Really enjoyed this read . im new so very new . to the Dom/sub life . im extremely intrigued . this gives me insight and hope as a raw sub . i here of limits but yet ive not experienced enough to know what i wouldnt want or do want and thats a scary place . i love it rough the majority of the time. The rougher the better but that is so basic to me . i read of all these different ways of pleasure and pain . giving and taking and my brain screams more all of it . my Dom intrest says that makes him nervous and it does me as well i just havent experienced what is enough . electrolysis is not okay that is a hard limit i do know that. … Im so very new and that i am clueless …anyway sorry for the rambling . Thanks so much to bith of yall and the ability to share yall way of life .

    1. John Brownstone Post author

      Learning and exploring D/s isn’t a race, relax, enjoy it. Take your time. Yes there is a lot to take in but take your time, learn, explore, and experience each piece you want to try. Some things you will find you love, others not so much.

      While some things can seem scary, research them, read about them and see if it is something you and your D would like.


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