Building Confidence

By | May 25, 2014


So many look at a Dominant and think they are the most confident people in the world, that they were born knowing just what to do, how to do it, and when to While Dom’s do exhibit dominant traits being strong and being able to express that for some can be two different things.

When Kayla and I got together and our D/s aspect of the relationship began to grow, I wrestled with something in my mind; “Absolute power corrupts absolutely.”  This was something that concerned me., as my Dominance grew would it corrupt me, would I become drunk with that power? While I still wrestle with it, although not as much; I believe my answer is no it will not corrupt me. I am aware of it, also with the level of communication Kayla and I have I know if I were going to far she would let me know.

Why am I bringing this up? Recently a reader of my blog asked me how she could provide her husband with the confidence he needs to grow in his dominance. While I can only speak for myself I do hope that my wonderful readers will also chime in with their own thoughts in the comments.

Kayla often refers to a D/s relationship as yin and yang, I agree with her completely; while opposites, each part compliments the other.

That being said that doesn’t mean when we first met I just stepped up and was her perfect dream Dominant and knew exactly what to do. My Dominance over her grew in small steps, just as her submission to me grew in small steps. She didn’t just fall to her knees before me and I didn’t just start making decisions on everything.

We talked! More then anything we talked endless hours about what Dominance meant to me, what submission meant to her. She told me of her needs as a submissive, I told her of my needs as a Dominant. We communicated on many levels. When broaching the subject of moving a relationship into this lifestyle it is important to know what one another wants, needs, and expects. Also nothing is without a grain of fear, just like I mentioned above I had/have certain fears. Talk about them, what are your Dom’s fears and concerns about the lifestyle? What are yours? Fear only takes root in the dark, bring them into the light and they lose power. Being willing to open up about yours may well give him incentive to share his.

Serve him in little ways. Does he have a favourite drink? Coffee, soda, tea, adult beverage? After a hard days work have him sit down and fix him his favourite drink and serve it to him. If you can; kneel and serve it to him. Along the same line cook him his favourite meal.

When having discussions about the household, by all means if your dynamic allows it give your opinion but then defer to him. Tell him you trust him to make the right decision in the end and do what is best for you and the family. Knowing that he has your trust goes a long way in building ones confidence and empowerment.

A D/s relationship is like a tree, as long as it is nurtured and taken care of it grows and flourishes. On that same note the tree does not spring forth over night as a lush tree, it starts from a seed, a small sprout. Just like a tree it has times where it grows rapidly springing forth almost over night lush leaves and growth. Then there are times it exists, the growth rings are smaller. This is the time to talk, communicate and set the course for future growth.

18 thoughts on “Building Confidence

  1. Kayla Lords

    You are completely right about this. Too many people think it happens over night or that people enter the relationship knowing exactly what needs to be done. These things take time. Patience (while not my virtue) is the key.

    1. John Brownstone Post author

      Good point about being patient, that is something that is very important. Also you are right it is not your strong suit…LOL but I’m sure once we are together it is somethng we will be able to work on 😉

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  3. Franco Bolli

    Well said as always. I totally agree with you so I took the liberty of reblogging your post.
    Kind regards,
    Sir Franco

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  5. Tis

    Wonderful stuff right here, thank you very much for sharing. You’ve given me some great food for thought. 🙂

  6. thekinkyworldofvile

    Arianna goes out of her way to show she cares. We have several different brands of coffee she fixes for different days. Its the little things that add up to big things.

  7. Mynx

    Perfect analogy Sir! The last two years in our D/S relationship of our 22 years together has been the best of our lives! The communication, the deep sensuality, and growth in our relationship is phenomenal. It’s not been all roses and sunshine, but requires work, and devotion, and a solid foundation to build upon! Great post Sir!

    Hugs, Mynx

    1. John Brownstone Post author

      You’re welcome Mynx, The traits you spoke of go a long way not just in this lifestyle but in any relationship.

  8. findmyway

    Southern Sir, thank you this was vary helpful and insightful…I have started some of things you highlighted above but there were other little things that I can also being to incorporate. Thank you again

  9. ambivalentsub

    We are new to D/s and I generally have a very independent, take up space, dominant energy in the world and the hardest thing for me is to step back and make space for my wife to lead. I know the more I do that the more confident she feels….expresses herself.


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