Full Circle #Relationships

By | January 4, 2015

The holidays were hectic but there was so much fun to go along with it. This was the first Christmas Kayla and I spent as a couple truly together living under one roof which made it special in and of it self.

Then there was the 12 hour road trip along the Gulf Coast and a week spent visiting family.

On the downside of all this there was little if anytime for kinky fuckery. It seemed like any time we thought there would be a quiet moment something would either come up or we would fall into bed with sheer exhaustion.

Oh we managed some US time, we had a date night where we went out for dinner and went to see The Hobbit; which was SO good. If you haven’t seen it do so.

Last night we did manage to work in some play time and I picked up a flogger and had some sun, form all that came a talk between Kayla and I how we need to work in more play time and just make it a priority.

There is also my sister; who is still responding well to her chemo treatments. She is slowly beginning to realize things about her cancer one of which is that she may not be able to return to work and she will have to be on some type of chemo for the rest of her life to keep her cancer at bay.

That leads me to some thoughts about family.

My father is here, he will be here for almost a month and he is staying with my sister. That gives me a bit of a break with taking her to her treatments and appointments.

Yesterday we celebrated my fathers birthday. It had me a bit stressed prior to the event.
My dad and I have always had a bit of a strained relationship. To say it’s complicated would be putting it mildly. I am the oldest and the only boy with two younger sisters. My sisters are daddy’s girls, more was always expected of me and no matter what I couldn’t live up to it. I gave up trying to be anything in his eyes at some point and at that time I was then able to live life for me.

So to say the least there was some trepidation on my part on what would be along with the fact that it would have been the first time Kayla will be meeting him.

When we arrived there was already a house full of people, my sisters, niece’s nephews, great-niece’s, etc. L’sΒ  house is not the biggest and with all the people there it seemed even smaller and needless to say chaos abounded.

There was to be brats and burgers cooked on the grill and as is the norm no one checked the grill to make sure it had enough gas, the tank was empty.

I took the bulls by the horn and delegated my youngest sister to go get another tank, when they returned I hooked it up and took charge of the cooking.

I was still a but nervous about how my dad would receive Kayla; he welcomed her with open arms giving her several hugs and even telling her that he would help the boys lean how to ride their bicycles.

The biggest shock or reconciling for me came after we ate and I was in the backyard making sure the grill was turned off and the gas valve shut.

I heard his voice behind me.

“She (L) doesn’t look good yet you say she looks better then she was.”

“L looks much better then she did”

“I can’t even begin to imagine what she must have looked like or what she was going through.” he said.

L and my dad had talked on the phone together over the course of her diagnosis, but this had been the first he actually has seen the toll it has taken on her.

Then he dropped the bomb:

“I couldn’t have done it: do what you did, see her day after day. To have seen her so weak that she couldn’t stand or walk. It would have broken me, I don’t know how you did it but I’m glad you were there for her.”

I was stunned, I couldn’t believe I had heard the words he spoke. It took a bit for them to sink in. This from the man who had never hesitated to tell me how weak I am, that I would never be like him.

Still unable to speak I simply nodded.

It wasn’t until much later that night after I got home I was able to sit and process the conversation.

13 thoughts on “Full Circle #Relationships

  1. Robin

    I’m so glad you have finally gotten the approval that you needed. It is something I still yearn for from my mother. We don’t do the things we do for recognition or thanks, yet it’s still nice to get it.

    You and Kayla absolutely must set aside time for each other. Life sometimes swallows you whole. You need to always remember that you are together because you are a couple. We have always done this and we are still going strong after 30 years.

    I look forward to hearing about you and Kayla progress. I think you’re both doing a great job!! Happy new year.

    1. John Brownstone Post author

      Robin, the funny thing about it is that I had long given up getting any kind of approval from my dad which is what made it that much more of a shock.

      Kayla and I are working on making plans to have more time for us to play, it is something we both need as a part of who we are.

      Happy New Year to you.

  2. Susan Bramley

    I understand what you mean. Over the years I have never felt good enough for my mother. Even now I don’t seem to be able to do anything right. She is always critical of what I wear e.g. you shouldn’t wear that it makes your tummy show!! For goodness sake I am 60 this month and yet it still makes me feel like a 6 year old. Don’t get me wrong I love her to bits and she has gone downhill since Dad passed and now she has been diagnosed with mild (at the moment) dementia. Still enough of that. I am so glad that you and Kayla got some “quality time” together and look forward to hearing more about you and Kayla. I am quite envious of Kayla.

    1. John Brownstone Post author

      Susan, families can be tough. It goes with the old saying; You can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family.
      I will keep you in my thoughts with your mom’s dementia, I watched my great-grandmother as it progressed in her and it can be tough.

      Kayla and I will find our groove, the holidays took their toll between her family, my family and traveling, etc.

  3. Kayla Lords

    I still think he finally sees you as a man now instead of the little boy he was trying to raise into manhood. I hate that it took so many years and a family tragedy but I’m glad it seems to have happened.

    You are a good, amazing, strong, caring man. It’s time your family saw it as well. I love you.

    1. John Brownstone Post author

      I had given up on it happening, didn’t think it ever would which is why it took my by surprise.

      I love you to babygirl

  4. Wordwytch

    This reminds me of a lot of conversational tidbits Wolf and I had with various family members over the holidays. While my mom is sharp as a tack, my dad is failing. Dementia or Alzheimer’s is slowly stealing away the dad I knew. It’s rough being the caretaker. And while I got kudos from some of the family, there were others that… grrr.. yeah… won’t go there.

    I’m glad that your holidays went well. I hope that you two find time for more playtime. As I mentioned to Nilla, this needs to be the year for more. πŸ™‚

    1. John Brownstone Post author

      It is hard being the caretaker, I’ve had to put my job search on hold as if I were to get new job I wouldn’t be able to get the time off to be there for her when she needs ride to appointments, etc.

      My mom well, it has been months now since she packed up and left and she hasn’t called my sister or even asked after her in any way.

      As for more play this year we are all for it, maybe a get together needs to be planned πŸ˜‰

      1. Wordwytch

        Hugs dear Sir.
        We all get burnout in our own way. I know that after a day with my dad, I need to “recover”. Luckily, Wolf is so very good to me. πŸ™‚

        Lots of good thoughts for nookie this year!!

  5. Mrs Fever

    It takes time and distance – and often pain, which may or may not come from said time and distance – for family to ever see you (not you, specifically ~ I am generalizing, of course) as anything “other than”.

    I witness this so often with my husband’s sisters. He is a stranger to them; they never make any effort to see him as the adult he’s become, and years of strain have taken their toll. To his older sisters, he is still their ‘baby brother’ (who, quite frankly, most of them never knew because they started fleeing home at ages 14 and 15 themselves) or ‘the messed-up one’ (because, teenage-hood), and when we are around them they say appalling things to him and think nothing of it. It is beyond cringe-worthy for me, yet I understand it. They have assigned him a role, and within the limitations of their (non)relationship with him, they cannot see him as anything “other than” ~ regardless of the fact that he is a responsible, gentle, caring MAN ~ and he is, in their eyes, to remain forever what he was.

    Part of this is just the way families work, I think. I am subjected to “my role” in my own family as well; frankly, there are times I’d like to take that roll and trade it for a donut. Or a piece of double chocolate cake with an extra helping of ice cream. My mother, thank God, can see me for Who I Am. And my dad… Well, he’s getting there.

    I’m glad your dad has finally gotten there. What a great way to start out the new year!

    1. John Brownstone Post author

      It seems that family’s tend to look at siblings, children even though the may be grown as though looking at a snapshot of them at a time they remember. Not sure if that makes sense.

      I had a friend of my mom ask me about smoking a certain substance. Now as a teenager I did, it is also something I haven’t touched in a very long time. Yet to my mother that is what she still remembers.

      Is it something I am guilty of in reverse; yes. Being the oldest in the family it took me a long time to loose the “little” sister image I had in my mind of both my sisters.

  6. Christina Mandara

    Family relationships are often complicated even at the best of times… but if you can come full circle… and mend and repair what had been bent or broken… then take a deep breath and just start moving forwards, if you can.

    Best wishes and a happy new year to you both x


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