The New Normal #CancerSucks

By | June 2, 2015

Nothing sexy or hot to see here today, not even some wise words of wisdom that talk about the wonders of living a D/s lifestyle with a lovely submissive.

If you want that you can either go here Kayla Lords or here Whispers in the Dark.

Sorry but this is going to be a bit of a tired rant and/or an unloading.

As most of you all know I am Kayla’s Dom/Daddy, we have lived together now for the past year and we have accomplished so so much in that time.

I’ve needed a haircut, badly as I have put it off over the course of the last several weeks. I was looking shaggy and my beard was looking scruffy. Last night things looked good and I decided to stop on my way home after work.
I had no sooner sat down in the barber chair and she had put the apron on me then I heard my phone ding.

I had her stop so I could check the message, it was my youngest sister A, she was on her way to L’s house as she needed to go to the hospital. A had just left her house and I knew I had just enough time; telling the barber to go ahead with the cut.

Once she was done I texted A back and she was almost to L’s house so I called to find out what hospital she was taking L to. Once I had that info I told her I would meet her there. Then calling Kayla I filled her in on what was happening and what I was doing.

I got there way ahead of them and I waited.

When they pulled up I met them at the door and got L registered, they took her immediately into triage, then ushered her to an exam room.
She looked terrible, she was almost to weak to walk. When they took blood she held me hand as even the rubber tourniquet hurt her.

I noticed her stomach was distended and asked her about it. She said she thought she had a UTI.  At that the nurse sent her off for a urine sample as well. Then she was wheeled out for an x-ray.

At that point I went out to tell A what was going on.

By the time I got back to the room she was back as well as the blood and urine results. Blood work was good, her normal was alright, white cells good and platelets were passable. The low number for her was what was causing the nose bleeds as her blood isn’t clotting like it normally should. Urine test showed no UTI either.

Last we waited on the x-ray and the Dr. came in a few minutes later to update us on that. The view showed some cloudiness on her right lung, which ended up translating to her having mild pneumonia.

So a script for antibiotics and they saw no reason to keep her in the hospital. We got her loaded back in the car and A headed off to take her home.

I called Kayla and let her know what was up and to have some hot food ready for me when I got home. No sooner was I 4 miles form the hospital when it started raining. Even with putting on my rain gear I arrived home like a drowned rat; I’ve yet to find rain gear that can stand up to FL rain storms.

This is the new normal, I have control over what happens in Kayla and my life…this I have none, zero, nada, zilch. It is infuriating to say the least.
I also know what happened last night is just the tip of the iceburg. There are more of those nights/Days coming.

I’m a fixer and this I am helpless to fix.

There is SO much that is fubar’d about this whole situation and it is frustrating on So many levels.

I see that L as nearing a point that she can’t be alone much longer, what happened yesterday was not good.

The rainy season is coming here where I live and there will be more wet rides on my bike as I don’t have a car.
Last year before all this came about I was job hunting, had several promising interviews. My current job while stable does not pay well; at all.

With helping Kayla get her writing off the ground it has sucked up most of my pennies. My intention was to get a job paying what someone of my experience and expertise should be. When L’s diagnosis came about that ended as the one thing my current job does offer is GENEROUS time off. Time that I now need to be available for her.

L no longer has a car as when my mom was with her she was in an accident with it and L’s car was totaled. It was shortly after that mom walked out on L leaving her without any transportation.  My mom is about to have corrective back surgery on the insurance’s dime and yet my sister has not yet seen a penny towards getting her car replaced. (the accident was someone else’s fault)

Kayla has been more then great through all this, she has stepped up to the plate when it really wasn’t her’s to do. She fills in and takes L to a good deal of her Dr. appointments, blood work, and pump removal, etc.

What really bothers me about all this is when I was young, I wasn’t a good person. I drank like there was no tomorrow, I never ate right…always on the run;  7-Eleven hotdogs and Twinkies were a staple for me. Cigarettes and cigars were smoked with impunity never being with out one or the other; having smoked my first cigarette at the age of 11. I smoked pot constantly, I’ve dropped acid, done peyote and mushrooms.
On Friday nights I would go out and eventually end up back home sometime on Sunday.

Yet me, I’m healthy as a horse. L who never smoked a day in her life, has never done any drugs, never drank, and has always eaten healthy has to deal with this.

Seems a bit screwed up if you ask me.

36 thoughts on “The New Normal #CancerSucks

    1. Len Miller

      I follow kayla’s blog, and we once had a talk. I myself know how cancer sucks. I was lucky, I for no reason at all was told to get a chest xray by my doc, when I went to him for numbness in my leg. I went figuring it was a waste of time and they found a spot on my lung. Then there were other tests and they discovered lung cancer. I was lucky it was small and they caught it early. I have now survived a year and the prognosis is good.

      I don’t know who L is, but I assume it is a family member. John there are so many new treatments and surgeries that they have out there hopefully this cancer can be taken care of as quickly as mine was.

      I also know the feeling of being quite an ass when I was younger, Nothing serious happened to me until this cancer hit me at 68 years old. I lost my daughter when she was 29 she was a great kid with a promising future.

      Don’t give up hope try and get her the best possible care you can and sometimes things go right. I am in Florida also and depending on what part you do live in the care can really suck. Try to get her to Shands at University of Florida or the Mayo clinic in Jacksonville or if your in the tampa area there are a few awesome cancer treatment centers.

      My thoughts and prayers are with you and will say a prayer for L today. Hope all goes well for you and yours.

      1. John Brownstone Post author

        Thank you Len,
        My sisters cancer is stage 4 colon cancer. She was diagnosed a year ago and has been undergoing chemo since then. Over time I have become her care giver especially since our mom walked out on her.
        I like the center she is being treated through and especially her doctor, they have all been SO wonderful and helpful there.
        Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated

    1. John Brownstone Post author

      Thank you Sir, I’m hanging tough..thankfully I have Kayla backing me up. With her behind me it makes it much easier.

  1. Mrs Fever

    The ‘Why?’ is never truly answerable, is it?

    And when Responsibility is weighted with Guilt (Why her and not me?), it is a heavy burden to bear.

    I wish I had words of wisdom for you. I don’t.

    I wish there was some comfort I could offer. I can’t.

    If it’s any help at all… You’re not alone in this experience. Not personally and not conceptually ~ You are surrounded by people who are going through this with you, and you have a greater network of people who are fighting their own uphill battles. Would that we all could walk a mile in another’s shoes.

    One foot in front of the other. Sometimes that’s all we can do.

    I empathize.

    Sending peaceful thoughts your way. <3

    1. John Brownstone Post author

      No, no matter how many times I throw that question out there is is never answered. Most days of late that is what it seems, place one foot in front of the other.
      When I am with her on her chemo days I see so many people coming and going from there, all of them joined together by one thing.
      Thank you for the peaceful thoughts.

  2. Kate Spyder

    No matter how much the doctors or statisticians will try to convince people that cancer comes from exposure to chemicals, unhealthy eating habits, having children late in life, or not having children at all, smoking, so on and so forth, there is no rhyme or reason. The only thing that makes sense to me is how healthy we are emotionally. I could go into great detail as to why but suffice it to say, a friend of mine (we were involved with the same man, her after me) also developed cancer, hers in her throat, mine in my breast, we are both healthy people, and watched what we ate. She is younger than me. We both developed cancer after the horrible relationship we had with our common ex ended. I think her cancer settled in her throat because I think she felt her voice was not being heard. I think mine settled in my breast because my heart was not being heard. I have read cancer is an emotional disease and I believe it. They may find cures like one I’ve read recently about which shows great promise, here is the link: but even so there are so many factors known and unknown which can baffle us as to why cancer will take a hold in some people and not in others. There are six people in my immediate family and so far three of us have had cancer. Two so far have died from it. I am hoping I am the exception and will become a cancer survivor. After having gone through my treatment at home alone with just my daughter and only the occasional help from a friend, it is my firm belief that no one should go through cancer alone even if they are strong enough to do so physically. The emotional toll is staggering and just having a friend sitting beside you showing you that life does go on and that they love you no matter what, can make all the difference in the world. My daughter did this for me. I can’t imagine how she felt having to sit there and watch me suffer. I know it wasn’t easy but we held each other and loved each other through it all. I hope your sister has the same or better than I did. Life isn’t easy. It never will be. All we can do is the best we can and hope it is enough. *Hugs* to you and Kayla and your sister.

    1. John Brownstone Post author

      Cancer is an insidious illness, as I talked with the gastrointestinal doctor at one point he himself explained that if they could only get a grasp of what triggered it off. He said everyone has the potential yet in some it happens and others it doesn’t.
      I can’t/won’t let her be alone. I know I can’t be there with her every waking minute but she will not be alone either.
      Thank you

  3. Kayla Lords

    Oh Daddy! These things don’t happen based on whether we’re a good person or live the “right” life. Sometimes it’s just really crappy luck. And quite frankly, your family needs you to be the healthy one – you’re the one who helps them much more than the other way around.

    I hate that you feel so helpless. If I could take that feeling away, I would. You’re right, it IS all fubar’ed but I know you. When it’s the right time, you’ll take the controls and steer this crazy train. And I’ll be at your side the whole time.

    1. John Brownstone Post author

      I’m so grateful that I have you in my life. You do so much to help keep me going so I can be where I need to be and when.
      I love you babygirl :*

  4. julie

    Thinking about you all. Cancer really does suck and so does this horrible helpless feeling you have. But wishing it was you doesn’t help.

    You are there for L and the rest of your family when they need you, and that is what you do for them. All you can do is be there and to live every day with L.

    Not articulating well, as I mentioned in kayla’s post, I identify with how you are feeling. But it doesn’t make it easy to say what I want to. Keep doing what you are doing but make time for yourself too xx

    1. John Brownstone Post author

      I am and will continue to be there for her, there are days though that I do get tired and discouraged.

  5. Anna Bianca

    You Sir,are a wonderful man. I took care of my grandmother. We found out she had cancer in February 2010, Died March 2010. I am sorry to say it gets worse. But you have beautiful Kayla who has your back as i had my husband. In that month i was not home much. But my children and husband held the fort down. And where very living and caring throught the month when I did get to come home for a day. (My sister and I took care of her. My sister worked full time job and school and a family,, so i took most of the caretaking.
    Cancer is such a horrible disease. I watched my beautiful, strong and loving grandmother fade away. She never smoked, drank nothing. Not only did her body fade so did her mind. I pray for you to have strength and and peace.

    1. John Brownstone Post author

      Thankfully I have Kayla to hold the fort down for me. There is always a warm meal, a hot cup of coffee, a smile, and a hug waiting for me when I get home.
      Your grandmother sounds like my sister, she is small in stature but she is a strong Italian woman who is proud and lived her life well.

  6. nilla

    You are doing the best you can with the cards you are being dealt. You are strong, (but not indefinitely–you have to let it go sometimes)…and an incredible supportive team with Kayla, for your sister. You’re doing all the right stuff.

    (btw..most of us were selfish, stupid youths…it’s part of the process that eventually melds into responsible adulthood, don’t you think?)

    Sending hugs, and holding you all in my prayers,


    1. John Brownstone Post author

      We are dong what we can to make the best of a bad situation, I have learned that at times I need to step back and catch my breath. Venting here now and again along with Kayla has been a big help. Have made another decision last night and will be contacting Hospice to see if they can offer some help.
      Thank you nilla

  7. Annie B

    It is truly screwed up, Sir. But this I know for sure – you are the right man at the right time with the right heart full of experience, wisdom and love. The one your sister holds onto as she walks through this fire to her destiny.

    The greatest gift we have – love! You wear it and use it well! Hugs to you, Kayla and the boys. Prayers for your family❤️

  8. Susan Bramley

    What can I say that hasn’t already been said and better than I could probably say it. Just know that you have the love and prayers of all your friends. It is difficult to be the strong one in the family and to try to keep everything together when somebody you love is in pain and suffering. We are here for you and Kayla and the boys. Hugs to you both. You are both in my thoughts often. xx

  9. Cinn

    I understand the helpless feeling. You probably know my brother is fighting cancer, for the second time now. We got a reprieve in that it has not spread any more at this time…..which is what his doctor had expected when it was found in his lymph nodes. But, he still has radiation and radical hormone therapy to deal with….. and we know that we are probably not looking at the last of this.

    We have had lots of cancer in the family. You are right. Cancer sucks. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, and I’d say the same thing of the treatments/cures. Not for the weak.

    1. John Brownstone Post author

      I did hear about your brother and you and your family have been in my thoughts. The treatment is not for the faint of heart as it can wear one down as much as the illness, I see this in her. I have a lot of respect for her in holding up as she has. Makes me wonder if the situation were reversed could I do as well as she is.

  10. Cinn

    Damn… I did not mean to hit enter just yet….

    Sounds to me like the job is exactly where God wanted you to be… you could be there for her. The money will come in time…. for both you and Kayla. In the meantime, treasure and make the most of what you have left. I have to do the same with my brother.

    Kayla- that is being a great partner. That’s love. <3

    1. John Brownstone Post author

      Kayla has said the same thing to me about me being where I need to be for now and she is right…hearing the same words form you reenforces that.
      Kayla is an amazing woman and I am glad to have her in my life.

  11. DebraDML

    Dearest John

    Firstly hats off to an amazing brother!!! Life is strange sadly in the way that is works?!? As a nurse I see a lot in my working life… and a lot of people don’t have your level of love and support!?! So as confused and helpless as you may feel at times… know that your love, honour, caring and amazing dedication to your sister is more than enough Hun! Huge hugs to you and yours xox

    1. John Brownstone Post author

      Thank you Debra, some days it feels like I am trying to swim upstream against the current. Other days it is like great strides are being made.

  12. tieme

    There is no reason or rhyme.
    There is no answer.
    Just *hugs*

  13. Natalie

    Five months after my first child, I found out I was in stage four melanoma. The best advice I can give you is to make sure your sister knows that you support her and that you are there for her. There were times when I felt unsupported by my husband and I felt alone. I realized that he was just scared that I could die and he would be alone with a newborn. My motivation was that I knew God would not put me in a situation that I couldn’t handle. Keep on being there for her and look for the little things in life that give you joy.

  14. Wordwytch

    Hugs dear man. Lots and lots of hugs. Energy and good thoughts to you, and your family.

  15. Lilli

    The dreaded “c” word. So sorry you’re dealing with it in your family too. Unfortunately, I don’t know anyone who hasn’t had a family member, friend or loved one diagnosed with some form of cancer. To say that it sucks is a vast understatement. As for all the “whys” in life, it’s hard for any of us to understand, especially when it involves a loved one suffering. I think it’s wonderful that you and Kayla are stepping up to the plate to help your sister though. It’s not easy, but sometimes we do what we have to do and get through it because we couldn’t live with ourselves if we didn’t. (((hugs)))

    1. John Brownstone Post author

      Thank you Lilli, there are no why’s, no rhyme or reason to it, it just is. Doesn’t change anything, doesn’t make it any better. It is what it is and we do what we can.


Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.