Dominatrix Past

Q. Domme Past: I recently moved in with my girlfriend of two years and things are going swimmingly. She is a beautiful, caring, and devoted partner, and I am thankful for having her in my life every day. As I consider our future together, her past continues to haunt me. Early on in our relationship she shared with me that she spent a summer working as a professional dominatrix. I was shocked and disgusted by the things she did, and by the seemingly unemotional and detached way in which she talked about them. She was also involved with one of her “slaves” outside of the workplace. We have come a long way since then and I am deeply in love with the woman that I know now. We have even experimented with some kinky stuff of our own and are very comfortable with each other. However, every once and a while this comes back to haunt me. When it does, I feel like I lose control of my thoughts and focus only on negative graphic images, whereas since we have such a wonderful and charmed life together, I should really just pick up my head and take a look around. I recognize how unfair this for her and I have finally admitted to myself that I need help working through this with counseling, but am afraid that it will ruin us. How do I let go?

A: Maybe your girlfriend should slap a pair of handcuffs on you and walk on your back in stilettos until you agree to stop dwelling on her past. Your girlfriend freely confessed to you her interesting summer job, so you get points for not being the one to pry into her past sex life. Good for her for recognizing that having spent some time as a professional sex worker is something that one’s partner is entitled to know. But it’s been two years since you got the news that she is good at punishing people. You had the opportunity then to say, “I appreciate your telling me you have expertise in clipping electrodes to nipples, but I’m pretty vanilla, so I need someone with a less stimulating past.” But you stayed and even experimented with her. You’re right that if this haunts you and you have something worth saving, you should talk this out with a counselor. I don’t see how that ruins you. Counseling shouldn’t be drawn-out torture; instead it should pretty quickly clarify whether you’re able to put this into perspective and enjoy your love, or whether you’ll never stop the unwanted video loop running in your head.

Here is a readers response to this:

Q. Re: Domme past: Prudie, a dominatrix is NOT a sex worker! S&M clubs are specifically about dominance and control and it is a kink, yes, but the clubs aren’t about the sex! This is why these clubs are legal around the country and not like brothels. She did not have sex with every customer that came into the club, she merely gave them the experience they paid for. Assuming these clubs are all about sex is actually ruining what they are trying to do for their community by providing a safe place for people to be open about the control they want in their lives. I hope you can find some better information on dominatrix work so that you can learn about how much these people have to deal with when it comes to assumptions and negative talk!