“I really believe there are things nobody would see if I didn’t photograph them.”
— Diane Arbus
I have always believed in the saying that a picture is worth a thousand words as one who is normally behind the camera taking pictures that has rung true to me and the words of the quote above also spoke to me in a way that I wouldn’t have thought if certain things hadn’t happened the way they did this year.
A Photo Collaboration
Back in Feb of this year (2018) Kayla came to me with an idea to join in on Molly’s Feb Photo Fest. Kayla had an idea that we take a similar picture of each other from our own perspective. I agreed to it and all in all I had fun with it. Now I will say that while she took the pictures of me I was posed or she happened to catch me candidly and all in all I was okay with the photos’ she took of me but but I wasn’t really thrilled with my body at the time.
Even after it was done while I was glad we did it I became even more uncomfortable about sharing even semi-nude photo’s of myself. While I happily would take pictures of her for her own blog or even take pics of her to post fro Sinful Sunday I became more and more camera shy myself.
The Painful Journey
It was later the same year in March when Kayla and I traveled to the UK for what was to be a combined trip to celebrate our marriage and attend Eroticon. We were both looking forward to and excited about the trip for various reasons. Sadly for me the trip took a slide downhill.
I have a bad back and the whole time there I was in a fair amount of pain due to muscle spasms. This was due to a number of things but what was a looming contributor was the weight I had gained.
It was that weight which had contributed to my being camera shy and now was giving me grief by exasperating another problem.
A Picture does not Lie
A photo captures a moment in time, little things that you may not notice are there bigger then life.
There is a photo meme on Tumblr called Workingman Wednesday which I had been wanting to participate in. There is nothing sexy or erotic about it as it is just a picture of you doing your work.
Shortly after returning from London I decided I wanted to join it and I set up my camera to take some shots of myself while I was working in my shop.
When I looked at the photos the camera snapped of me while working, instead of being filled with a feeling of pride for the work I love doing and enjoy I was filled with a feeling of total embarrassment when I realized what I must look like to others.
A Change is on the Horizon
While I know all to well that what a person looks like body wise is no way an indicator of who they are as a person, what I saw in my picture made me take stock of some things.
I’m not a young person with six pack abs and I never will be. It made me think about the back pain I had experienced while in London and that I have dealt with for some time on an almost daily basis. It also made me think long and hard about how I disliked my body and didn’t want to be on the lens side of a camera.
I decided I needed to do something and do it soon.
Kayla had been watching videos on a diet and I had been vicariously listening in. I decided to jump in and try to lose some weight. It has been a little over 3 1/2 months now and I have lost 21 lbs. I still have some curves, Kayla calls it my “Dad bod” but I am feeling much better about how I look. I feel better, much better. The back pain which I had to some degree has dropped off significantly.
Changing Perception
Bit by bit, day by day I’m getting better about what I see in the mirror as I have lost weight. Most importantly to me though is that I’m feeling better and not in pain like I was.
Kayla sees the difference more then I do, many times looking in the mirror I don’t always “see” the difference the scale tells me is there. I don’t always “see” the difference that the clothes that no longer fit without a belt being cinched tight by my belt tells me is there.
As I said earlier I will never be the 120 lbs I was in my early 20’s and I don’t want to be but I am working on finding a middle ground somewhere that is right for me.
I’m a work in progress and I’m trying to find that middle ground of being healthier and loving my body. Who knows as time goes on and I begin to accept myself more there well may be more pictures of me popping up in the future.
I’m learning to better accept my body and how I feel about it
