We Talk

By | July 6, 2014

One thing that I see as very important in our relationship is communication.
Not just in regards to our BDSM and D/s aspect of our relationship but all of it as a whole.
Kayla and I are on the same page about many things, so many things at times it can be scary.

Her and I both come from relationships where communication was virtually non-existent.
So that is something that is in high regard for us both.

One thing that she has done is that when I get home from work we all sit down and eat dinner as a family.
During that time we all talk abut our day.
Granted with the boys the conversation is not in-depth yet they are included as well.
But it is open conversation for all.

Once the boys are in bed we usually relax for a while.
I’ve gotten Kayla hooked on a show that I like and we have been watching it from the beginning.
Having started at Season 1 we are currently now mid-way through Season 4.
After an episode or two then we head off to bed.

Once there we don’t just fall off to sleep.
That is our time to talk, to reflect.

Sometimes our conversations are deep and serious.
Other times it is injected with humor which has us rolling in stitches in bed.
One time when Kayla was feeling a bit down I lifted her spirits by talking in Mr. Spocks voice.
Another time I had her rolling in stitches by doing Monty Python skits in bed.

While some may think it odd to be talking about doing various voices and comedy skits in bed, Kayla and first began communicating and finding one another through our sense of humor. That was our first connection to one another.

The main point of this though is communication!
We talk, our talks cover everything from politics, current events, our relationship as a whole, and our relationship as it relates to D/s

This time to talk is part of the rules and protocols I put in place as part of our relationship.
The other part of this is that while we lay in bed talking we are touching one another.
Either holding hands, or her hear nestled on my chest with my arm around her.
There are also times I will have her sitting in front of me and I will be brushing her hair while we talk.

This just doesn’t allow us time to talk, but to also be in the moment with one another.
While D/s can be carried into the day to day life in little ways work, family, bills, and maintaining a household can take it’s toll.
Since communication and openness is so important in relation to D/s it can also be a very important tool on the vanilla side.


On the other side of talking is listening, not just hearing what the other person is saying but being there in the moment with them and taking in what they are saying. Just like the times when I made Kayla laugh, why did I do that? Because I listened to the things she was saying and knowing her as well as I do as her Dom I knew there were things that were weighing heavy upon her.

Just telling her that things would be alright do not always work with her. She is the type of person that will get lost in her head and spin things up. So I gave her what she needed most at that time, I lightened her load by making her laugh. Once I had drawn her out then we were able to actually talk about the matter at hand.

That was possible because I listened to then things she was saying as much as the things she wasn’t saying. As her Dom, as her Daddy she gave me her trust, she gave me herself as a sub. Being in the Dominant position I have placed myself in a position of responsibility to her, one in which her well being is up to me to take care of.

There will be times in any relation where the clouds of uncertainty and doubt will overcast the sky. Don’t let those clouds settle in and overshadow what can be. Communicate with one another, talk about everything and anything no matter how trivial it may seem, listen with an open heart and an open mind.

Most importantly be in the moment with one another!


24 thoughts on “We Talk

  1. Kayla Lords

    I love those moments – the conversations, the silliness, the intimacy of our thoughts – more than any kinky fuckery in the world. And you KNOW how I feel about the kinky fuckery. πŸ™‚

    1. John Brownstone Post author

      Oh I know how you feel about KF, but all of that would be for naught without the intimacy of what goes on inside each others head.

  2. Oceanswater

    Communication is an absolute necessity in any relationship. That especially means totally listening while the other talks, without your own agenda swirling around in your head,

    1. John Brownstone Post author

      That’s a good point Oceanwaters, without having an agenda, to many people do have something just below the surface hiding…communicating openly, deeply, and honestly is imperative.

  3. Wildwestangel

    The best and most helpful thing we did when we started this journey was bedtime talking rituals. We always talked in bed but now we have snuggle protocols that make me feel like I am little and vulnerable. That enables me to wrap up in his arms and share things I would have hidden before. He is so in tune to me now, he often knows I’m troubled before I say a word.

    And laughter!! We sometimes wake the house laughing. That has only gotten better. Frankly, D/s has made everything in our relationship better. And it all really boils down to communication. That has been the key. Kinky sex aside, really connecting is more fulfilling than anything else.

    1. John Brownstone Post author

      WWA, that is beautiful, so many people never see this side of D/s, it is hidden away under the pictures and videos posted all over the Internet. The depth of connection in D/s extends way beyond the kinky fuckery.

      Being in tune with one another goes well beyond what happens in a scene. It is like the roots of a tree or a well tended flower.

  4. findmyway

    We’ve been married for almost 20 yrs. and known each other all of our lives. The wonderful benefit of our journey into D/s has been the communication. Like yourself and others it has become our daily conversation and snuggling in bed when we are both in town. We are also trying to figure out how to build more consistency when we travel – which often times we are on vastly different time zones.

    Our communication has increased 200% but as you said it’s both the verbal and non-verbal that’s important….not to mention the laughter.We began to notice that we were so caught up in our everyday activities between work, kids, parents, etc. that we forgot how to talk and more importantly laugh. Everything comes down to communication and the connection that it brings in all aspects of our relationship.

    1. Wildwestangel

      It’s easy to lose sight of the most important person in your life with so many other “important” things competing for attention. But I have discovered that they would all be empty without THIS relationship at my core. It made reorganizing my priorities a no brainer. And in turn, all my other responsibilities became more manageable. (Secretly I think it’s because my brat makes him laugh all the time therefore releasing his feel good endorphins…but he thinks it’s because he’s a better man. Whatever.)

      1. John Brownstone Post author

        I understand completely what you mean, the other night as we lay in bed I told her how much better my life is having her with me.

    2. John Brownstone Post author

      When Kayla and I first began building our relationship it was long distance. she was in one time zone and I in another. I made set times for us to talk, each morning on my way to work I would call her and we would talk for 30 minutes. At the end of each day before bed we would talk again. During the day three would be text messages and emails.

      At that time she would often travel for work and we had to adjust, there was always a conversation before hand about what would work best for us both while she was on her trips but we always found a way to manage. It is nice now being in the same time zone and having her in my arms when we have our talks.

  5. robin siminovsky

    I think our journey began with both of our children moving out this year. We always talked and laughed but with less family responsibilities I needed more. Two rules we have in place are my stopping whatever I’m doing when he gets home so that we can hug and kiss. I mean really hug and kiss. There is no television for at least an hour so that we can have dinner and discuss our day. Many nights we are so deep in conversation that the tv never goes on. We have always slept spooning but now I notice that if I get up during the night to use the bathroom, when I come back to bed he automatically reaches for me in his sleep. We haven’t become as adventurous as I would like sexually, but we will get there. The extra time with each other has deepened our connection. Thank you for sharing pieces of your journey.

    1. John Brownstone Post author

      I feel it is important to have that time to talk and communicate it does serve to strengthen ones connection to one another. Thanks for sharing.

  6. Cheeky Minx

    I found myself nodding in agreement with everything you said and smiling warmly at the beautiful picture you paint of the intimacy you share.

    Without the words, without the gestures, without that presence in the moment, connections can be somewhat empty and lonely.

    Wonderful post, SSir…

  7. thruthemist

    Communication is crucial. Period. Laughter while communicating is icing on the the cake. You and Kayla and a few others out here totally get it. When those things collide with D/s life is incredibly sweet. Happiness to you both.

  8. Wordwytch

    Spot on!

    I’m like Kayla… worries spin up and stay there until they get told to shut up. I love Wolfs and my night time chats.

  9. sirslittledarling

    Wonderful post. May I ask what show you are watching Sir? Your entire post rings true for my Daddy and I….so if it is the same show we watch …O M Gee x5….and he does an udon noodle voice instead of Spock…

    1. John Brownstone Post author

      Thank you, communication in any form is important. No reason why some humor can’t be used.
      I got Kayla hooked on Doctor Who, tonight we will be starting Season 5.

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